Austin Barthen.....The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

I Hate September.

2011-09-04T12:59:00.000-04:00

September, again. The month that took my son away from me. The month that takes the grief that I keep hidden 11 months of the year and flings it out from hiding, tossing it around until I break down and acknowledge the fact that I am not really "handling" it as well as those would like. You know the ones that have never lost a child. They expect you to "get over it", "move on", "he is in a better place", all the things they tell you so that they themselves can be comfortable and happy and not have to deal with others grief.

So in September, I grieve. Openly. Loudly. Without apologies.

Deal with it.

Another link to my son is lost.

2011-07-26T09:16:00.000-04:00

I have used Austin's carabiner (spring hook) for my keys everyday for the last 5 years, 10 months, 1 week and 3 days. I touched what he touched every day. I thought I would have it the rest of my life. It broke yesterday. Something so simple is devastating to lose.

Rumi, 13th century Persian poet and theologian

2011-03-18T09:49:00.001-04:00

Rumi, 13th century Persian poet and theologian

"This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be cleaning you out for
some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame,
the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond."

Missing you so much

2011-02-13T10:43:00.003-05:00

Your 30th birthday is coming up and I am so sad. You lost most of your 20s. The time when you would have grown up and married and maybe started a family.

February 26 would have been your 30th birthday. An official adult!

You promised me many grandchildren. In fact, you said you wanted a dozen children! You would have been a kind and patient father. I can imagine hearing you chuckle as you play with your babies. Your huge hands cradling a babies head. Laying on the floor with children climbing all over you. You were meant to be a father.

2011

2011-01-03T10:18:00.002-05:00

Austin died in 2005.

2005 and 2006 went by in a grief-filled fog with moments of denial. I thought that it would end with a phone call from him saying he was coming back. He would say that he was tired of being gone.

2007 I searched for him in the seashells. I walked miles of beach believing that the secret to connecting to him was finding a shell and holding it in my hand.

2008 I was on a mission to escape NJ, the state that my son lost his life.

Solace would be found in palm trees and spanish moss and maybe, just maybe in 2009, my sister would give me the support that my friends receive from their sisters. Unconditional love and pure empathy for my devastating loss.

2010 showed me that people never change and I will never have a sister like others have. Or a mother. My losses feel like stones piled on top of me. It hurts to breathe.

Now it is 2011. It is up to me to be busy, productive and somehow help others.

My purest love is for my sons.

Austin will always be part of my heart, always with me, my heart will always ache for him, I will always cry for him.

Ryan, my oldest, means everything to me. I am so grateful to be able to call Ryan and hear his voice. Sometimes, when I talk to him, tears stream down my face with joy. He doesn't know.

Helping others in Austin's name.

2010-11-25T11:20:00.004-05:00

Tuesday I served dinner on the street to street people. As I do things for others, I feel like I am closer to Austin. I feel his smile on me as I feed hungry people.

Yesterday my husband cooked 2 big turkeys for hardworking Mexicans that risked everything to live and work in our great country.

Today we have 2 of our daughters in our home in Savannah to eat turkey and be thankful to live in this great country that is so generous.

My son, Ryan, can't be with us this holiday. I miss having him here, but I am also very happy that he has a job that he loves.

I am thankful for so very much, in spite of the tears in my eyes. That is the life of a mother that has lost a child. All emotions are mixed in with grief that never leaves the soul.

September 16, 2005

2010-09-13T10:56:00.003-04:00

Sept. 16, 2005 my Austin died at age 24. It will be 5 years this Thursday. It hurts like it was 5 seconds ago. I can't accept the time passing, the gap of his absence lengthening...

Our country has divided itself with hate groups when we need to collectively come together in peace. Isn't the reason obvious? Austin had a kind and generous heart of great magnitude. Without Austin, the world is out of balance. I am out of balance.

It is all can do to remember to breathe... in and out, in and out. Seriously. I catch myself gasping like a goldfish out of water. Who knew that a simple thing like breathing could be complicated when your heart has been permanently broken.

Why do we need the Health Bill passed, you ask?

2010-03-21T12:52:00.002-04:00

What makes you think that the health bill will cause more abortions? I can promise you that NOBODY ever wants an abortion. I, personally, have never had an unplanned pregnancy, but I know that I have no right to judge others' circumstances. Planned Parenthood is always being beat up (and blown up) about abortions, but it's primary business is taking care of a women's' health and PREVENTING pregnancies.

You are frightened of your husband's business closing? Preventive healthcare should help keep his employees healthier. At this time, you don't know the when/if of how this may affect your specific business.

The "elderly out to pasture" is misconstrued. I have an "advance health care directive" and so should everybody, young or old. I do not want to exist solely dependent on tubes and machinery while my brain is dead.

America is a compassionate country. What people fail to realize is that we aren't the only compassionate country that reached out Haiti and Chili's earthquakes. Many countries sent money and help to New Orleans, also.

But we are not perfect. We also tend to be "holier than thou", forgetting that we actually used other human beings as slaves to do our labor. Living in the South (Georgia) now and even though I knew my family's history as staunch Union supporters that was with Sherman in The March to The Sea, I didn't fully comprehend the reality of slavery. Yet, there are people that actually seem proud of the South's history and flaunt the confederate flag. Shame on them.

As an American that travels overseas, I am always amazed and delighted that every country I go to knows how to communicate with me in English. Here in America, You are likely to hear a (forgive me) redneck say, "This here's America! Speak English!" Minimally, we should all have been taught Spanish, considering we border Mexico.

As some of my Christian friends say, "WWJD?" Considering that Jesus was a compassionate, empathetic, democratic, non-judgmental Jewish man, what do you think he would do?

But for the grace of G*D, go I.

Avenged Sevenfold Drummer James 'The Rev' Sullivan Found Dead at 28

2009-12-29T11:06:00.001-05:00

Afterlife Lyrics
Artist(Band): Avenged Sevenfold

Like walking into a dream, so unlike what you've seen
so unsure but it seems, ’cause we’ve been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

I see a distant light, but girl this can't be right
Such a surreal place to see so how did this come to be
Arrived too early

And when I think of all the places I just don't belong
I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far

I don't belong here, we gotta move on dear escape from thisafterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here

A place of hope and no pain, perfect skies with no rain
Can leave this place but refrain, ’cause we've been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

This peace on earth's not right (with my back against the wall)
No pain or sign of time (I’m much too young to fall)
So out of place don't wanna stay, I feel wrong and that's my sign
I've made up my mind

Gave me your hand but realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave and carry on my own life

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from thisafterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

Loved ones back home all crying ’cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God that there's somebody listening
Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
(I am unbroken; I’m choking on this ecstasy)
Oh Lord I'll try so hard but you gotta let go of me
(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live)

(Fast Guitar Solo)
(Screaming)
(Laughing)

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from thisafterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

Mommy's Baby

2009-10-05T09:54:00.003-04:00

I have a little, sweet, precious Cockapoo puppy. Her name is Sushi. I hold her close to my heart and whisper in her ear that I love her. I startled myself when I heard myself whisper in a sing-song, "Aus-tin Nich-O-las....Mom-my's ba-by." I was transported back to when Austin was a baby and I sing that to him over and over again. What a precious gift this sweet puppy has given me.

Shine Your Light

2009-09-08T10:39:00.001-04:00

Shine Your Light

Robbie Robertson

The cry of the city like a siren's song
Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long
Saw a shooting star like a diamond in the sky
Must be someone's soul passing by

These are the streets
Where we used to run where your Papa's from
These are the days
Where you become what you become
These are the streets
Where the story's told
The truth unfolds
Darkness settles in

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength
To carry on, carry on

Don't wanna be a hero
Just an everyday man
Trying to do the job the very best he can
But now it's like living on borrowed time
Out on the rim, over the line
Always tempting fate like a game of chance
Never wanna stick around to the very last dance
Sometimes i stumble and take a hard fall
Loose(?) hold your grip off the wall

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
Carry on

I thought i saw him walking by the side of the road
Maybe trying to find his way home

He's here but not here
He's gone but not gone
Just hope he knows if I get lost

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
To carry on

I recommend this book, "A Guide to Children and Grief"

2009-08-11T21:50:00.005-04:00

I was given the opportunity to read a book on how to help a child with his or her loss. The name of it is"A Guide to Children and Grief" and it is thoughtfully written by Miri Rossitto. She is the owner of the web site, Valley of Life. http://www.valleyoflife.com

I think it is an interesting book that certainly has value. It would be very beneficial for a child's caregiver or teacher. I know from experience (unfortunately) that many adults respond inappropriately to those in grief. I can't imagine what it would be like for a child to cope with insensitive adults.

Many points in this book should be heeded, not only in dealing with children, but with adults, as well. For example, in the chapter on things you shouldn't say to a grieving child....

Don't say, "I know just how you feel.
"This implies that the child doesn't need to tell you anything, since you already know. It also suggests that all people experience grief in the same way, which is not true. This sentence can be a conversation breaker.
Instead: Use an open-ended question to express your interest, such as, "Tell me more about how you feel," or "What's that been like?"

I like that the author, Miri Rossitto has written this book in an easy-to-read format. I would definitely recommend this to any one that has children in their life, whether it is in a professional or family situation.

Mostly...I am scared of losing you, too.

2009-08-08T11:50:00.003-04:00

In the winter of 1980/81, I was big and pregnant with a baby boy, moving through the days slowly and deliberately. Savoring every moment of uninterrupted time with my first-born son, Ryan, the joy of my life. Ryan was born in the late Indian summer of 1977. That is when I realized what every mother before me knew. Nothing compares to the sheer adoration and love that you have for your baby. He gave meaning and purpose to my life. I melted when he smiled and put his hands out to be picked up.

I spent the last month before Austin was born feeling guilty about Ryan. My heart was so full of love for Ryan. Completely filled up and overflowing. Soon it would only be half full for Ryan. I would divide my heart in two, one half for Ryan and one half for Austin. It didn’t seem fair to Ryan. How could I do that to this wonderful four year old that loves me so unconditionally?

I had no idea what was in store for me.

Austin was laid in my arms and I looked down into his beautiful face. The most incredible thing happened. My heart doubled in size. I simultaneously loved, worshipped, and adored my two sons without either being loved a little less. I couldn’t wait to be home with both of my boys. I talked the doctor into releasing me less than 24 hrs after giving birth. I was excited to begin loving and caring for my two sons. Ryan and Austin.

Ryan asked me if I wished it had been him that had died, not Austin. He said he thought Austin was my favorite.

I have heard that some parents have favorites. Sometimes it is because one child may resemble the parent in personality or appearance. Other times the parent may favor the more “needy” child. Some people say that they love their children the same, but different. I know my sons have different personalities, but I don’t love them different.

I couldn’t possibly change the way I feel about my love for my sons. It has not and will never change since the day they were born. The love has gotten wider and deeper and stronger and unyielding. It is unconditional. I still love Austin now as I did before he died. I always will love him. I will always love Ryan. Even after I die.

My answer to Ryan…no, I do not wish it had been you, not your brother. I would be in the same pain, the same grief; it would not have been easier. I am so selfishly grateful to have you. I do my best not to overwhelm you with my neediness. I want to hug you and not let go. I want you to live near me. I want to talk to you on the phone 5 times a day.

Mostly…I am so scared of losing you, too. So scared I can hardly breathe.

I am so tired of depressed, narcissistic, needy people.

2009-05-24T12:13:00.006-04:00

I am so sorry you are perpetually depressed and full of rage and hate the life you chose and you need to exclude me from your life periodically. I never did anything to you. That is just the nature of your mental illness that you will not get help for.

And you. The person who is supposed to care for me and nurture me and give me something you know nothing of....unconditional love. You couldn't, didn't even try. Well, I fed your narcissistic personality all my life, but you were never able to give back. Yes, you are the youngest and prettiest *** , no, your legs aren't too skinny, yes, that man is flirting with you, no, you don't look like a ***********.

Put all that aside, my dear broken family. I lost my son. I am not getting over it. ever.

I know I was the strong one in the family. The successful one. The oldest. I never asked for anything, anytime. I never got support emotionally or financially. ever. During my divorce, I was shunned. I was accepted again when I was back on my feet and able to be useful, such as vacations, plane tickets, entertaining.

But then I lost my son. They turned on me like wild animals.

Purdue Pharma, OxyContin held responsible

2009-05-15T10:00:00.001-04:00

TUESDAY, JULY 10, 2007
Purdue Feels the Pain of OxyContin Felony, Fine
Purdue Feels the Pain of OxyContin Felony, Fine
May 16, 2007
By: Beth Herskovits
PharmExec Direct
Executives at Purdue Pharma are opening their own wallets and paying out large wads of cash to settle charges that they "misbranded" painkiller OxyContin--as part of a hefty plea agreement that may signal the courts' mounting frustration with sketchy marketing practices by Big Pharma.
Purdue will pay upwards of $600 million--one of the largest fines ever slapped on a drug maker--to resolve felony charges that they encouraged sales reps to fraudulently market OxyContin (oxycodone) as less addictive than other pain medications.
In a striking twist, the fine is levied against both the company and three high-level execs: Michael Friedman, president and COO; Howard Udell, executive vice-president and chief legal officer; and Paul Goldenheim, former executive vice-president of worldwide medical affairs. All three had to plead guilty to misdemeanor charges and together cover a $34.5 million fine.
While naming individual officials in such suits is not unheard of, it is unusual for a firm's chief legal officer to be among them, according to Carole Handler, vice-chair of the intellectual property litigation practice at law firm Foley & Lardner. "We're in a standard of much stricter scrutiny on corporate management. In order to bring about compliance...the philosophy is you need to hurt people in their pocketbooks," Handler said, adding, "This decision is designed to prevent others from going down the same road."
Officials in Virginia came down hard and fast on the company when they announced the settlement to the public. "Even in the face of warnings from healthcare professionals, the media, and members of its own sales force...Purdue, under the leadership of its top executives, continued to push a fraudulent marketing campaign," said US Attorney John Brownlee in a statement. "In the process, scores died as a result of OxyContin abuse, and an even greater number became addicted."
The case related to Purdue's marketing push between January 1996 and June 2001. It alleged that the company's sales reps used tools such as exaggerated graphs and incomplete study data to "prove" that time-released OxyContin was less addictive and prone to abuse--and had fewer withdrawal side effects--than fast-acting painkillers like morphine.
With an aggressive push to general practitioners, OxyContin achieved sales of $1.8 billion in 2004 before it lost patent protection the following year. By then it had also become infamous as one of America's most abused substances--snorted, crushed, and injected by rural teens and tabloid celebs alike.
On its Web site, Purdue seemed to "depict [the case] as a rogue action of a few individuals," said August Horvath, special counsel at law firm Heller Ehrman.
"Nearly six years and longer ago, some employees made, or told other employees to make, certain statements about OxyContin..that were inconsistent with the FDA-approved prescribing information for OxyContin," the statement reads. "During the past six years, we have implemented changes to our internal training, compliance, and monitoring systems that seek to assure that similar events do not occur again." The site also lists measures that Purdue has taken to retrain its sales force and alert physicians about potential for abuse.
Horvath recalled that 10 years ago a $10 million fine was considered a large settlement in such false-marketing cases. Now the closest precedent is the 2004 Neurontin (gabapentin) settlement, in which Warner-Lambert (now part of Pfizer) paid $430 million to resolve similar charges.
"They're going for big bucks because the conduct keeps occurring," Horvath said about federal prosecutors. "The majority [of the fine] is deterrent. There's a sense that they will have reached the right number when the cases stop happening."

I have two sons.

2009-04-27T09:26:00.002-04:00

Socially, I have progressed in my life long journey of grief.

In the beginning, anyone that happened to say hello, ask if they could help me at a cosmetic counter, complete strangers, I would end up, literally sobbing on their shoulders telling them my son was gone!

As time went by I started introducing myself to people as if I were at an AA meeting. “Hi, I’m Lesli and my son, Austin, died.”

Then for a while I would say in the first few minutes of introduction, “I have two sons, my oldest, Ryan and my youngest, Austin, who died.

Now, I simply say, “I have two sons.”
I am asked their names. “Ryan and Austin.”
How old are they?, I am asked. “Ryan is 31, Austin would be 27, he died 3 yrs ago at age 24.” I wipe a single tear from my cheek.

I have learned to cry alone. I can walk the beach with my face wet with my tears mixed with the salty spray from the waves. The crashing of the waves and the shrieks of the gulls mask my pain filled sobs.

I have two sons.

Dreams keep me sane.

2009-02-19T10:53:00.002-05:00

I am lucky. I have wonderful dreams of my children. During that short span of dreaming/sleeping, I live, I remember, I am a mother of two young sons.

We were on an adventure, Ryan, Austin and I. Walking through an unknown city. The streets were dirty and trash was blown up against the curb. Several buildings were boarded up. There were homeless people scattered around and people selling things on the sidewalks. We were walking in alleys and stairwells. It sounds like it was maybe frightening, but it wasn't. We were exploring. Ryan and Austin were talking and interacting with each other exactly the way they always did. At on point Ryan was carrying a mesh bag with knee and elbow pads for rollerblading/skateboarding. He had gathered other things in the bag also and it was getting heavy. Ryan dropped the bag on the floor in a stairwell and said that when we came back this way he would pick it up. I turned back and Austin looked me in the face and said earnestly, "I will take out some of the things and keep what we really need and I will carry it. We may not be back through her again." So very typical of Austin.

Why this and other dreams are so important to me is... my sons, both of them, their personalities, expressions, voices and even the waves and curls of their hair is exactly the way it was when they were 6 and 10. Ryan always a few steps ahead then running back, Austin trying to keep up with his older brother then shuffling stoically when he got tired.

When they were young, I would teach them not to be afraid or judgmental of people and places that were unfamiliar and different. One time I took them to a thrift shop in a bad part of town. While we were looking for antiques in the back I heard an angry man yell at the cashier for selling him a broken television set. When I saw him flashing a gun, I quietly steered the kids out the back door of the shop. I didn't tell them why, I just said, "Let's go to McDonalds!" They eagerly left the shop, out the back, through the alley without question. I didn't want them to be afraid.

I am lucky. I get to relive their precious childhood in my dreams.

Thank you.

2008-12-02T21:45:00.004-05:00

http://tinyurl.com/cu7yr7

A Place to Call Home.

2008-11-03T09:49:00.002-05:00

I am making my home in Savannah, GA.

Years ago (over 15 yrs!) I spent the evening walking along the riverfront of Savannah with my sons, Ryan and Austin, my niece, Ashley and my sister and mother.

Life has many twists and turns; one doesn’t know what will happen next. It seems like some people have their life planned perfectly and it actually works out.

I have never been a “planner”, but I always thought my sons would be a constant in my life. It has been three years, yet I still wait for Austin’s phone call. I can still hear him say, “Hey, Mom, what’s up?” “Think you could bring me lunch to the office? It’s a busy day and I can’t get away from my desk.”

So now I am in Savannah. A place with only good memories. A place to call home.

An email to dfc

2008-10-07T09:46:00.003-04:00

Look up this website.....

http://dfcasa.com/prueba.html

I wrote them the following note....as if that will make a difference!................................

A string of porcelain Oxycontins to wear as a necklace!

My son died from Oxycontin. Many, many have died from Oxycontin. It isn't amusing. What is next? Pink cancer ribbons with skulls on them?

Where is your social conscious?

Lesli Messinger

http://grief-journal.blogspot.com

Three years ago today I lost you.

2008-09-16T10:05:00.004-04:00

It is so difficult to get the through the weeks before the 16th....and then the weeks after. Today I am going to attach little notes to orange and blue balloons and let them go up from our boat off the barrier islands of Georgia. The notes...are my apologies of guilt that I need to let go of.

I am sorry I didn't have time to take you to the movies to see "Dukes of Hazard".

I am sorry I was in California when you died in NJ.

I am sorry I sent you to that pre-school.

I am sorry Everts Middle School had mean kids.

I am sorry that I taught you to be too sweet and caring. It made life harder for you.

I am sorry I didn't understand addiction and I didn't know how to help you.

I am sorry for trying "tough love".

I am sorry I told you to "grow up" and live on your own.

I am sorry I didn't hug you and kiss you more.

I am sorry I didn't tell you I loved you more.

I am sorry I didn't tell you how proud I was of you more.

I am sorry we didn't go to Red Cross classes and get sent to New Orleans. Thank you for wanting to go and protect me.

I am sorry that I wanted you to look for a roommate before moving back with me.

I am sorry I didn't know you died until the next day.

I am just so sorry.................

The balloons are navy blue and orange, with white ribbons. That is what you asked. I assume it is because that is colors of the Denver Broncos. You liked that team and wore the jersey I gave you.

Remember when you were little and you would say, "I love you all the way to Mexico!" Mexico seemed like the absolute farthest place to you!

Well, Austin, I love you all the way to Mexico!

high school reunion

2008-08-16T09:05:00.003-04:00

My high school reunion is today. I will not be there. Five years ago, when I attended the reunion, I had two healthy sons. I just can't go because I keep thinking, "When I was there last, Austin was alive." I will miss seeing my good friends, I dearly love them, but I wouldn't be good company. I would cry.

I Visited My Sweet Austin’s Grave.

2008-05-06T10:59:00.001-04:00

I visited Austin’s grave. The morning was cold and rainy, I drove with the heater and windshield wipers on, fresh flowers for Austin laying on the car seat. As I pulled through the cemetery’s gates, the rain ceased, the sun came out...

As I wiped the dust off the polished black granite I noticed movement nearby. I turned my head and waited. Up came a little chipmunk! He stared at me then down he went. A few seconds later, he rose up again. Down again. Up again. He kept doing it, as if he was playing a game. Austin loved chipmunks. A week or two before he died, I was sitting on his apartment step, talking to a little chipmunk. The chipmunk was playing within a foot of me and it entranced Austin. Austin was on my cell phone talking to a friend and telling the person about the chipmunk that was making friends with his Mom.

I visited my wonderful son, Ryan in Ohio last week

2008-05-06T10:01:00.004-04:00

Ryan is struggling with work-related lower back pain. The company he works for (family owned!) does not provide health insurance to him and unbelievably, they are denying workman's’ compensation. Their reasoning? It would make their business insurance go up. All of Ryan’s money is going to pay for medical expenses. I flew to Ohio to “mother” him. He wasn’t able to do anything too active, the constant pain is limiting his activities and causing depression. We spent the time sitting in his living room and watching movies.

His apartment was spotlessly clean and tidy, his sweet little dog, freshly shampooed. Ryan had rescued this dog from an abandoned van, out in the country by an ATV trail. Ryan inquired about the homeless dog at the closest house and was told that the owner had moved to an apartment in Columbus and wasn’t allowed pets. So they left the dog in the woods with a bag of dog food in September. Ryan found this pitiful little dog in November. Ford, as Ryan calls him, was starving, frightened; his fur was dirty and matted covering a bony frame.

Ford is now plump and healthy with bright, shiny eyes. He looks like a larger(12 lb.?), long haired Chihuahua He welcomes being petted now. Ryan said that initially, when you started to pet his head, Ford would hunch down, as if anticipating a beating. Ford has never had an accident in the house, does not get up on furniture and has never chewed on furniture, shoes or caused any mess. He goes outside in an unfenced yard and does not wander off. Ryan can walk around town with Ford, unleashed, and he stays alert at his feet.

I wanted to give Ryan some money, but I first had to ask him if he was taking any drugs. After all I had been through with Austin, I didn't want to give money to Ryan if he was going to use it for drug money. He wasn't offended. He said, "Mom, I couldn't do that to you. I am not taking drugs." I believe him. I gave him the money.

I can talk to Ryan about Austin. Ryan misses and mourns Austin as much as I do. I know that it is a brothers love, not a mothers love, but it is immense, never the less. Ryan keeps a framed 8X10 photo of Austin in his bedroom. The ashtrays in Ryan's apt. are pottery that Austin made in high school, his name carved on the bottom. Austin didn’t leave Ryan and Ryan keeps him close by. They are two brothers that have found a way to always support each other, in ways that is beyond comprehension to most.

Politics

2008-04-22T12:08:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, I was not picked as a NJ delegate. Close, but no cigar. But if someone drops out, I am an alternate.....

Last night we went to the HUGE rally for Hillary at the Palestra in Penn University (in Philadelphia). VIP seats!

Nathan always wanted to see Bill speak, so I got TONS of points for getting us in there, up close and personal! We saw Bill, Hillary, Chelsea, Myor Nutter and Gov. Rendell. It was fabulous! I can't help it, I love politics! Hopefully, today the people of PA will vote for Hillary. Otherwise, if she drops out, I will have to back McCain..... I have to go with the background and experience!

As a (short) note to my dear friends in grief... I intend to put out the message to Hillary about our specific needs on healthcare. Briefly, most of our young adult sons and daughters were without health insurance, were not able to afford rehabs with good track records, and they were self medicating themselves with prescription drugs from the streets. Sadly, the fact that our kids have died and more are dying each day from drugs has not been addressed. I was hoping for the opportunity in Denver to properly address these extremely important issues. I realize those that have not lost a child won't recognize the need, but trust me, there are literally thousands of grieving parents that didn't think it would happen to their child and hundreds of thousands more are at risk at this very moment. (I will get off the soapbox now)

Peace and politics,

Lesli

http://grief-journal.blogspot.com/

2008-04-11T14:21:00.002-04:00

I love Savannah! The city is so very European, a mixture of the south of France with a "softer" version of New Orleans. I absolutely love it. The streets, the squares, the architecture is amazing. It feels good.

Austin's Birthday

2008-03-23T12:20:00.002-04:00

September 26 is Austin's birthday.

27 years ago I was blessed with a 8 lb.14 oz. beautiful, perfect baby boy.

On his birthday, I drove to Long Beach Island, NJ and left Austin a birthday card on the rocky beach. I didn't stay long, it was windy and cold and as desolate as I felt.

Along the sand dunes, on the fence, there were balloons attached.... As if a party was waiting for Austin on this isolated beach.

Austin's birthday present is ten trees planted in Gallantin National Forest, near Yellowstone National Park.

Happy Birthday, Austin. I love you.

New Jersey

2008-03-13T11:43:00.004-04:00

I have returned to New Jersey, an overpopulated state of negative energy and bad memories.

Why do I dislike NJ… beside the obvious reasons?

I have lived here for 9 years, yet I don’t consider this home. I have no sense of belonging to a community feeling here.

It is the only place where people have been less than nice to me.

It is so crowded that you don’t really know when you left one town and entered another.

People snarl, “Have a good one.” (What does a “good one” mean?

You can’t make left turns, where you really need to make a left turn!

I like religious diversity, but when did Santa Claus become a religion and why are agnostics practicing it?

The “ghetto” way of putting the accent on the last syllable of words ending in on, en or an is really getting on my nerves. Trent-IN, Camd-IN, Man-hat-IN

I miss clear, starry nights.

The crime, homicides and availability/use of drugs and alcohol are unbelievably high.

People think that they are “safe” because the homicides are “mostly in Camden and parts of Philadelphia”. Less than 20 miles away! Wake up! We are living on the outskirts of the worst areas in the US, for God’s sake!

People tend to have opinionated, closed-minded attitudes.

Women have loud, abrasive voices.

Okay……the above listed are somewhat petty annoyances, but I gotta get out of NJ. For real.

I truly dislike NJ. My son died here. People were mean to him. People that really should have been nice and supportive like FAMILY but they were greedy and selfish. Typical New Jersey.

I can't live here much longer......

A Mother's Wrath

2007-12-31T13:58:00.000-05:00

The emotional make-up of a mother is such a paradox.

I am a nurturing, caring person that feels empathy and compassion toward all of the Mothers’ children of the world. I have long forgiven Austin’s girlfriend and family for their contribution towards my son’s death. I want Brielle to be drug-free and live a good and productive life. I want this because I know that is what Austin wants.

I have always avoided conflict, emotional or physical. I do not like violence of any kind. I don’t like to hear someone shout “Moron!” to a car in a traffic situation. I can think of a dozen reasons that a driver may accidentally cut me off, after all, life doesn’t revolve around me and my problems.

I am a Mother. One of generations of mothers that has descended from centuries of Mothers protecting their precious children. As a Mother, a female…we are of a softer, sweeter nature. We want to protect and take care of others.

Now the paradox, the contradiction…..

Someone did something really stupid to my oldest son. I have never felt such enormous, all-encompassing wrath, rage and fury focused at an individual.

Internet fraud, destroying of personal property, extortion…all from a “friend”.

This individual and his extended family, to my knowledge, have not contributed in any positive way to society. He spends his day’s unemployed, playing video games, four-wheeling, sleeping at friends/relatives. Basically, he is a drain on society, not with standing the criminal acts.

This criminal shall feel the intense vehemence of rage as he has never known. .

My son will be fine. He is a good, decent person with a promising future. He has good work ethics, is compassionate and loving, he is truly an amazing young man.

Grief Manifests as Physical Pain

2007-12-13T19:19:00.000-05:00

The gnawing pain has been circling my abdomen for months now. It is as if the grief in my heart has overflowed into my intestines and is searching for a new area to explore, invade, and take over. This pain/ grief has become an entity within itself. A creature that is clawing at my insides with such a razor-sharp fury that it leaves me clutching my fists to my stomach in agony. I lay on the cool tiled floor of my bathroom, breathing shallowly, and waiting for the pain to ease.

Last week the pain found its way to my right side. No more was I allowed the brief reprieves that I had earlier. I now had a constant reminder that all was not right. Everything I ate, no matter how bland, gave me pain. Cold drinking water would put my stomach into spasms. Nothing would stay down.

Doctors will evaluate the symptoms, test results and come up with a diagnosis and plan of action.

I need to gain control of my grief or it will manifest itself in another part of my body. I will never quit grieving for Austin, but I don’t want to be a victim of grief.

The Love of a Brother Never Dies.

2007-11-19T12:10:00.000-05:00

THE LOVE OF A BROTHER NEVER DIES.
IT STAYS STRONG AND ENDLESS AS TIME GOES BY.
SOMETIMES LIFE TAKES A TURN FOR THE WORST,
BUT A BROTHER'S LOVE CONTINUES ON ALWAYS FIRST.
WHEN ONE MUST GO ON TO THE HEAVENS ABOVE,
NOT EVEN THAT CAN STOP THEIR LOVE.
A PHYSICAL BODY DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THERE.
THE SURVIVING BROTHER FEELS HIM EVERYWHERE.
HE KNOWS HE HAS A GUARDIAN, HIS OWN PERSONAL ANGEL.
IT'S HIS BROTHER, HIS FRIEND NOT JUST A STRANGER.
A BROTHER'S LOVE IS FOREVER WITHOUT END.
IN LIFE OR IN DEATH ON EACH OTHER THEY CAN DEPEND.

JANDA
SETH'S MOMMA (08-05-07)

This was written by Janda, a dear friend "in grief".

We were a team; Ryan, Austin and I.

2007-11-16T11:19:00.000-05:00

Ryan, my first born son is now an only child.

I hear his voice on the phone and I hold my breath, I simply can’t breathe from the fear of losing him. My heart aches from the sheer gratitude of having him for a son.

We were a team; Ryan, Austin and I. Through good times and bad times. Whether we were living near or far. Each son would call me to update me with what the other was doing…

Ryan called me one night and said, “Mom, Our dog died tonight, I am on my way back to college. Could you go pick Austin up and have him spend the night with you? I don’t want him alone tonight.”

Austin told me Ryan got a tattoo in anger at me over my change in religion, “Mom, don’t worry, he wanted to hurt you, but he’ll get over it. It will be okay.”

Dropping off my sons at the airport in Philadelphia, Ryan turned to me and said, “Mom, last night I left my hat at a strip club. Could you pick it up for me?” Later, Austin called me and said, “Oh, Mom, I can’t believe Ryan said that to you! He shouldn’t have!” I laughed and I did pick his hat up for him. That was typical of the boys…Ryan would tell me anything, Austin would protect me.

I know, I know....you can't reason with the drugs.

2007-10-01T12:36:00.000-04:00

I know, I know....you can't reason with the drugs. I felt hopeless with Austin and I am afraid he felt hopeless, also. But, geez, those drugs are so powerful, they take over the mind, the body, the soul and they don't let go until all the ambition, hopes and dreams are gone, and the life is sucked out. I don't think I could cope with dealing with the lying and excuses and begging for money again. Even though I understand that "it's the addiction", it is still maddening and frustrating, beyond belief.

Boy, I wish drug addicts were rational....I would do anything to have Austin back, the son that he was without the drugs. But it would be wrong of me to want him to live his life in that hell of addiction that led to his death. And, honestly, it was hell for me, too. To see my baby boy being tortured by drugs, to wonder every night where he was, to worry that every time the phone rang that he may be in jail, hurt, or finally, the unthinkable...

I know, without a doubt, that Austin is set free now. He is happy and joyful. He shows me his presence when I need him most. Right or wrong, that is the reality I choose to believe, thank you very much.

What you disturbance ride had storm fades passionate complete spirit

2007-10-01T12:31:00.000-04:00

What you disturbance ride had storm fades passionate complete spirit

I have never been able to type without "hunt and peck", I have taken numerous classes and have given up, that is just part of being dyslexic! So I thought I would close my eyes (and let Austin type through me) and using Microsoft word..just type. It was gibberish, then I did spell check, a little better, then synonyms..and this is what I got!

What you disturbance ride had storm fades passionate complete spirit. maybe it means nothing...but maybe it does.... Maybe...what I saw as Austin's disturbing ride ending into a storm, actually transcends to where his spirit is passionately complete.

What do you think?

I remember...

2007-10-01T12:22:00.000-04:00

Even with knowing and believing (I really do believe!) that Austin is still with us and surrounds us with love.....it still is so painful to live without him. I miss being able to reach out and touch his cheek, smooth down his hair, lay a hand on his shoulder... I was supposed to have a lifetime of touches, not just 24 yrs! You know, I just remembered something about Austin when he was little......I would say he was "skin-hungry" because he was always wanting to hug me and be picked up and was always up close to me, with his arms around my neck, very loving. Maybe he was trying to get a lifetime of hugs in a few short years.........

I remember….

Austin sitting on the kitchen counter, with his Striderite shoes and socks on. A diaper and t-shirt. Blond curls. Baby teeth. Beautiful smile. I remember his sturdy, little legs. Sturdy. I can hear the sound of his shoes hitting the cupboard doors. Even as a baby, he wore EEE shoes.

An obituary from 1850 that says it all...

2007-09-21T13:24:00.000-04:00

"Thus is cut off, in the morning of his days, one in whom many hopes were centred - and who had the fairest prospects of happiness and usefulness in life."

Rose Kennedy knew grief.....

2007-08-02T10:19:00.000-04:00

Grief,
like the ocean,
comes in waves only to recede and come yet again.

But with it comes healing.
Memories wash ashore and are bathed by the golden sun.
Grab hold of those memories and let them fill the emptiness.

It has been said that time heals all wounds.
I do not agree.
The wounds remain.
In time the mind,
protecting its sanity,
covers them with scar tissue
and the pain lessons----but it is never gone.

Rose Kennedy

Purdue Feels the Pain of OxyContin Felony, Fine

2007-07-10T20:32:00.000-04:00

Purdue Feels the Pain of OxyContin Felony, Fine
May 16, 2007
By: Beth Herskovits
PharmExec Direct
Executives at Purdue Pharma are opening their own wallets and paying out large wads of cash to settle charges that they "misbranded" painkiller OxyContin--as part of a hefty plea agreement that may signal the courts' mounting frustration with sketchy marketing practices by Big Pharma.
Purdue will pay upwards of $600 million--one of the largest fines ever slapped on a drug maker--to resolve felony charges that they encouraged sales reps to fraudulently market OxyContin (oxycodone) as less addictive than other pain medications.
In a striking twist, the fine is levied against both the company and three high-level execs: Michael Friedman, president and COO; Howard Udell, executive vice-president and chief legal officer; and Paul Goldenheim, former executive vice-president of worldwide medical affairs. All three had to plead guilty to misdemeanor charges and together cover a $34.5 million fine.
While naming individual officials in such suits is not unheard of, it is unusual for a firm's chief legal officer to be among them, according to Carole Handler, vice-chair of the intellectual property litigation practice at law firm Foley & Lardner. "We're in a standard of much stricter scrutiny on corporate management. In order to bring about compliance...the philosophy is you need to hurt people in their pocketbooks," Handler said, adding, "This decision is designed to prevent others from going down the same road."
Officials in Virginia came down hard and fast on the company when they announced the settlement to the public. "Even in the face of warnings from healthcare professionals, the media, and members of its own sales force...Purdue, under the leadership of its top executives, continued to push a fraudulent marketing campaign," said US Attorney John Brownlee in a statement. "In the process, scores died as a result of OxyContin abuse, and an even greater number became addicted."
The case related to Purdue's marketing push between January 1996 and June 2001. It alleged that the company's sales reps used tools such as exaggerated graphs and incomplete study data to "prove" that time-released OxyContin was less addictive and prone to abuse--and had fewer withdrawal side effects--than fast-acting painkillers like morphine.
With an aggressive push to general practitioners, OxyContin achieved sales of $1.8 billion in 2004 before it lost patent protection the following year. By then it had also become infamous as one of America's most abused substances--snorted, crushed, and injected by rural teens and tabloid celebs alike.
On its Web site, Purdue seemed to "depict [the case] as a rogue action of a few individuals," said August Horvath, special counsel at law firm Heller Ehrman.
"Nearly six years and longer ago, some employees made, or told other employees to make, certain statements about OxyContin..that were inconsistent with the FDA-approved prescribing information for OxyContin," the statement reads. "During the past six years, we have implemented changes to our internal training, compliance, and monitoring systems that seek to assure that similar events do not occur again." The site also lists measures that Purdue has taken to retrain its sales force and alert physicians about potential for abuse.
Horvath recalled that 10 years ago a $10 million fine was considered a large settlement in such false-marketing cases. Now the closest precedent is the 2004 Neurontin (gabapentin) settlement, in which Warner-Lambert (now part of Pfizer) paid $430 million to resolve similar charges.
"They're going for big bucks because the conduct keeps occurring," Horvath said about federal prosecutors. "The majority [of the fine] is deterrent. There's a sense that they will have reached the right number when the cases stop happening."

There are no goodbyes....

2007-07-10T20:13:00.000-04:00

There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.

-Ghandi

What do you "do"?

2007-06-04T16:03:00.000-04:00

At the moment, I do not have a job. I am not looking for a job. I have worked in the past but I can't remember what I did.

I go to business dinners with Nathan and people ask me what do I "do". My mind goes blank...I mumble that I walk on the beach and collect seashells. We joined a synagogue and I was asked what my interests were. I said that I walk on the beach. Once, I told someone that I was "in grief". They asked what I did before. I don't remember. On my customs form entering England, Nathan wrote Beach Environmentalist. He says collecting seashells is a good thing for me to do because it makes me happy.

Why does that question leave me confused?

Drugs. My life is consumed by the fact that my son died from drugs. It doesn't matter what he died from, but it was drugs, so I am furious at drugs. and dealers. and the media making it look "cool". and myself for not understanding drugs. and its' effects.

So for 20 months and 2 weeks now, my life has been irrevocably changed from drugs.

But it has been longer than that when drugs actually began to affect my life. Austin started drinking at age 13. I didn't know it at the time, but it had to have affected my life because it affected him. It was a slow (at least it was for me, because I wasn't aware of it) descent from there. Alcohol.....pot.....I don't even know how it got to Oxycontin.

The last few years I pleaded, begged, bribed, yelled, lectured...everything I could think of to get him to "grow up", "straighten up", "get clean" ...all that nonsense. I had no concept of what addiction really meant. So during that time, drugs consumed my life. That is probably why I don't remember what "I did".

Austin would be 26 years 3 months old. Half of that time, since he was 13 yrs old, I was battling drugs and alcohol. His drugs and alcohol.

"What do I do?" I am recovering from a 13 yr. battle with drugs and alcohol.

Lesli.....Ryan and Austin's Mom

Austin Nicholas Barthen2/26/1981 - 9/16/2005

http://grief-journal.blogspot.com

http://austin-barthen.memory-of.com/

Is this what Austin would want?

2007-05-27T10:13:00.000-04:00

I want the memory of Austin to always be fresh in the minds of everyone who loved him and considered him a friend. Austin was always making new friends and I don't want that to ever stop. With this blog, more and more people can get to know him.

Obviously, this is through the eyes of a Mother who dearly loved him.

I started this blog to help others understand how drugs can destroy lives. I don't know if Austin would want his life "put out there" for all to see, but I think that he would want me to do what ever it took to help me find some sort of peace. I remember him saying, "Aw, Mom, you are so nice."

Memories...

2007-05-09T12:54:00.000-04:00

I have memory "snapshots" of Austin as a toddler......

slobbery kisses

sturdy legs as I put on his socks and Striderite white hightop EEE shoes.... always had wide feet : )

his arms held out wide, waiting to be picked up and hugged

blonde curls

happy, loving personality

and so many more..............................

I had a "good" day yesterday.

2007-05-02T11:12:00.000-04:00

I had a "good" day yesterday. It was a beautiful, sunshiny day and I went forth into the world and interacted with people and I wasn't in my "grief fog" that I have been struggling in daily, "since". Austin was on my mind as always and when someone asked if I had children, I explained that I had two sons...Ryan, 29 yrs old and Austin, who died 18 mos. ago at age 24 yr. old.

Later, I went to my "special" place in the cemetery next door (I buried a piece of Austin's shirt under a huge, beautiful oak tree) and "talked" to him and left him seashells that I had dyed pastel colors. (Austin was buried in Ohio, but I am in NC) Anyway...I don't think I am the only person to do this, on the other side of "Austin's" tree someone had laid a bouquet of cut flowers!

But...I was aware that I felt peaceful and even happy. I realize now, there is a "place" where we can be...where we can enjoy the present moment and still miss them, remember them, talk about them. It's a place that just happens, I don't think we can consciously "work" toward that goal. It just happens. I remember telling Austin...."Life isn't always "happy", the key is to recognize blissful moments. And enjoy." I suppose I am taking the advice that I gave Austin. Or maybe he is giving it back to me?...

There isn't a "cure" for our grief. All the advice..."go on with your life, move on, keep busy, focus on other things......blah, blah, blah" is meaningless. I lost a son. That is who I am for the rest of my life. But I can re-join the world on my own terms. And I still have two sons. One living in Ohio and one that is always near me.

I love them both.

Smile When You Think of Me...

2007-03-27T11:25:00.000-04:00

I had a dream last night. The kind of dream where it is so real and you wake up right afterwards and relive it again and again over in your mind.

I was at a table, writing in a notebook, making lists in boxes. A list of things that Austin can't do or missed out on.

The top of the page read, A List of Austin.

I wrote…

I can’t tell him I love him.

________________________________

He never got to marry.

________________________________

He didn’t get to have children.

________________________________

He doesn’t know I love him.

________________________________

As I am writing this, Ryan and Austin are both in the room. Austin walks over and reads what I am writing.

Austin said, “Mom, Do I make you smile?”

“Yes, Austin.”

Austin said, “Then smile when you think of me and I will know you are thinking of me and you love me.”

2007-03-26T13:26:00.000-04:00

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever".

T-Ball

2007-03-16T13:31:00.000-04:00

I remember Austin playing T-ball when he was 5 years old and his "position"
was catcher. He could hardly move in all that padding and he had a catchers
"face protector" on.

I remember trying to kiss him through the face grill before the game and couldn't get past the grill. The coach said, "Catchers don't kiss their Mothers before a game!"

I laughed!

My "Angel" Cameo

2007-03-16T13:15:00.000-04:00

In my horrific grieving, I have been reaching "outside the box". There has been so many unexplainable things that have occurred.

I asked my MD for a grief counselor and she referred me to a Dr. ****. I didn't go to the session with any expectations of even talking about "signs" and "afterlife", after I spoke to her about Austin and how close we were, she brought it up about him still being with me and how there were really mediums that could speak to people whom have crossed over. And she said there were fake ones out there, also!

Last weekend I went to a medium and I got a sense of relief...(after an hour of crying). Well, I learned that Austin and I are "old souls" that have been together in other lives. That he chose me to be his mother, that he knew he wasn't going to live a long life (I know that to be true, he used to tell me that when he was 5, when he drew a self portrait as an angel), that he went when he did because we all have "missions" in life and he could serve better from the other side.

Also…When Austin was young, I bought an antique cameo of a cherub, it looked just like Austin. I put it on a chain and wore it. Austin looked up at me and said, “Don’t wear that,Mommy. I am not an angel yet.”

Austin said that he is going to use "tough love" on me and insist that I quit feeling guilty. He knows that I love him. He said that my purpose on this earth is to help other mothers.

There were several things that were said in the session that "made sense". One of the first things she said to me was that I "had the light". This is something that I have known but been avoiding all my life. I have had undeniable "experiences" and seen and known things and I knew Austin did, too. I am medicated with ADD meds but the problem may be in part to my not being able to filter all the....I'm not sure how to explain it. Right now I am in a quiet house, alone, looking over a tidal sound. But ever so often, I hear footsteps, the whistling of a tune, and I smell a whiff of very sweet perfume (not mine!). The other night I kept waking up from the smell of this perfume!

Austin and I used to look up at the sky and try to visualize us on earth, and then expand to The Milky Way, then other universes, and on to infinity. It hurt our brains. That is how I feel now. Living 51 years of thinking that what I see in front of me, "known" reality is just a small part of life.

We all have the choice to listen to society (mainly people that have never lost a child) and believe that our kids are gone or to believe they are still with us. I believe that Austin is still with me. Remember the phrase..."The more we know, the more we know we don't know."? There is SO MUCH we don't know.

So now I am studying Quantum Physics, the String Theory, etc… and it makes perfect sense!

Pages from my journel...

2007-03-16T12:53:00.000-04:00

Oh, I gotta tell you...Nathan left this morning for a meeting in north NJ until tomorrow morning, so I am all alone in the house. Well, this morning I was thinking that I haven't "heard" from Austin in a few days. I went into the bathroom and put a new roll of toilet paper in the holder. Then I went in the bedroom, made the bed, picked something up to put it away in the bathroom......And the entire new roll of TP had unrolled and was laying in the floor! I started laughing and said, "Austin, I am still cleaning up after you!" He was definitely channeling his "inner child"!

If that wasn't enough, the garage door keeps opening by itself! It has never done that before today! The medium I saw said that Austin appeared to her as a young boy around 10 yrs. old. He "told" her that was the age he was happiest. When I dream of Austin, that is the age he always appears. So, it makes sense that he is being mischievous!

As I was putting on my make-up the lights went out (the breaker tripped for the bedroom)

I shut a door upstairs and this morning it was open!

Knowing that Austin "visits" me has brought me a form of peace and acceptance. After Austin died, I focused on his physical absence. Now I have Austin back, just in a different way. I will take whatever I can get!

I have a little plastic bag that I labeled "Austin's Dimes", I call it his
dime bag and I put the dimes in it. Sometimes I find one right after another. Once I followed a trail of dimes leading to his painting! I just laugh and say "Hi, Austin!" Thank goodness for the bluetooth technology ....people don't look at you when you are talking to yourself anymore, they think you are talking to an earpiece!

To my Grief.net family, my on-line support system

2007-03-16T12:32:00.000-04:00

I was just trying to clean up my mail box...I tend to save everything "as new" and it builds up! I was reading all these sweet notes from everybody and I couldn't delete. So I started a file "Sweet notes of comfort", to save them under.

I just can't believe what a wonderful, caring group of people you are. I am connected to you all and I thank G*d for that. I sometimes don't answer or respond but that doesn't mean I wasn't touched, sometimes I read and smile, sometimes I read and cry and sometimes I save it to answer when I have a free moment, then it seems too late.

Some of you are struggling with difficulties that are seemingly un-surmountable without the added horror of losing a child. You have lost other children, spouses, have gone/still going through major health issues, dealing with the addictions of other children and brother. One of you has a husband in a nursing home; another has a husband in Iraq. There are those with financial problems and those that are forced to work in an environment that doesn't deal well with grieving employees. Some of you have bravely moved far from everything familiar to start a new life in a different place. Some of us have been reunited with family members and others have been shunned.

But every typed word means something to me, sometimes it is familiar, sometimes it makes me think, sometimes it gives me hope, mostly I am just so much in awe of all of you.

I don't remember all the names, but you know who you are...

Wow, one of you is painting your heart out! What a magnificent idea!

Others are reading, exploring, learning so much that we didn't know/understand until grief has brought us to this point.

Still others are leading the way to go on TV, helping in documentaries, public speaking, spreading the message that addiction is not a choice. You are educating the public about this tragic epidemic.

Then there are those that are waging a more personal war on those dealers/people that were responsible for your child's death. You are dealing with prosecutors, court systems and putting yourself at risk, to save another family from this intense pain. You are selfless.

Also, I listened to a brother's song wrote about how he misses his brother who died from drugs. It was on his brother's web site. I cried so much that I couldn't even tell you how it affected me. It was heartbreaking.

You are my family and I cherish you all.

Peace,
Lesli.....Ryan and Austin's Mom
Austin Nicholas Barthen
2/26/1981 - 9/16/2005

http://grief-journel.blogspot.com

http://austin-barthen.memory-of.com/

2007-03-16T11:28:00.000-04:00

As most of you know, I have been living in a house in Wilmington, NC on the
Sound since the first of December. I felt peace instantly. I knew Austin
was with me, I felt him near me in a comforting way. I was happy, I was sharing
my life with Austin.

I thought that I had progressed greatly in my grief.

Then, last week we decided to return to our home in NJ for 10 days, for an
assortment of reasons. Before I even left for the airport I was an emotional
mess. Coming back here in NJ has not been good. I feel like I am in the eye
of a storm and all the guilt, new grief, raw pain, bad memories, sound
bytes, snapshots...they are all swirling around me. I literally have limited
vision, hearing because of all the chaos surrounding me. I can't concentrate, I
have heart palpitations, my hands are shaking....symptoms of a panic attack.
I feel that there is a negative energy at work here.

Has anyone else had to leave their home to find peace? Isn't it harder to stay where there is bad memories? Do the good memories override the bad memories? This wasn't Austin's "childhood" home or even state. I raised my sons in Ohio, Austin came to NJ when he was 18 to live with me. Maybe if I had raised him here I would have better memories of NJ.

I don't think Austin would want me to stay in NJ. He used to tell me, "Mom, you don't know. New Jersey is a bad place." Maybe, he knew he would die here.

And now I am spiraling back into that deep, black hole of grief.

Happy Birthday in a Bottle

2007-02-28T12:28:00.000-05:00

Austin's birthday was Monday, February 26.

We were in the Virgin Islands to attend a wedding.

On the ferry, leaving St John (the wedding was in Caneel Bay), and floating back to our hotel in St Thomas... I had a birthday card wrote out for Austin, shoved in a wine bottle and corked tightly. We were sitting on the top of the ferry; I stood up, threw the bottle over into the beautiful Caribbean waters and shouted into the star-filled sky "Happy Birthday, Austin!"

Then I sat down, with my head on Nathan’s lap and cried.

Why do I think Austin did drugs?

2007-02-20T09:47:00.000-05:00

Someone asked me why I thought Austin did drugs. Everyone thinks that there must be underlying, psychological problems...this is what is answered..

You asked me about what drew Austin to drugs... I think he started drinking around 13 or so. I didn't know at the time, but he later told me. He wasn't a follower, he was in student council, He liked to "be liked". He hated conflict and was very sociable. He was a big kid and was talked into joining the Logan Elm HS wrestling team by the coach. He quit soon after. I remember him looking at me so seriously and saying, "Mom, I am not mad at anybody, why would I want to hurt them?"

I know that Austin, like anyone, had sorrow, guilt, etc. but, honestly, I think that it started as just being social and escalated out of his control.

Sometimes. it. just. is.

Handmade Valentine

2007-02-14T17:27:00.000-05:00

I found a handmade valentine that Austin had made in grade school...
construction paper and paper doily...with a poem he wrote me......

Sun sets in Autum,
Sun rises in May.
I'll listen to your problems,
I'll also care.
From my hearts bottom,
Happy Valentines Day.

I can see Austin...

2007-02-14T11:50:00.000-05:00

I can see Austin in a crowd...standing, sort of rocking a little on his feet, leaning a little forward, one hand in his pocket, the other adjusting his NY Yankees baseball cap, a slow smile forming across his face, his head bent down just a little so he can hear because he is 6'3' and is used to leaning in to listen, his smile widens, he looks up, his eyes dancing and he chuckles, that wonderful beginnings of laughter.

A Green Vase of Yellow Daisies

2007-01-18T18:46:00.000-05:00

When Nathan and I moved to our Wilmington, NC home, the early part of December, I had never been there before. We had loaded up our SUV with clothes and a few personal things to make it look familiar. Nathan's company had furnished and decorated the house complete with linens, silverware, wine, etc. At the last minute, before we left our home in NJ, I ran down into our basement and grabbed a framed piece of artwork that Austin had done for me in the 8th grade.

When we finally arrived at our new home there was a little gecko by the sliding glass windows in the living room. I knew Austin was there! I very carefully scooped it up and let it out safely.

The following day, as I unpacked I noticed a familiar looking green vase of silk yellow daisies on the mantle. The next box I unpacked held Austin's artwork. A painting of a green vase of yellow daisies. The resemblance, the shape of the vase is uncanny.

I am realizing that not everything is what it appears. Actually, nothing is and our perception of time and space is only limited to what is within our own comfort zone.

Blissful Moments.

2007-01-17T12:33:00.000-05:00

I moved seasonally to Wilmington, NC. I have palm trees, live oak trees and am living in a beautiful house with huge windows facing a tidal sound and further out the ocean. It is breathtaking.

As I write, I am looking out over beautiful vistas with egrets, pelicans, and nature. It is very spiritual.

Behind my house is a lovely cemetery with swans swimming in a reflecting pond. I am going to bury a piece of Austin's shirt there and meditate. Austin would love it here.

I have had actual moments of peace lately. It feels good. I still think of Austin constantly, but in a loving way. He shows me he is with me in many, extraordinary ways. I don't know how long the warm feelings will last, but I am grateful for these blissful moments.

Guilt...

2006-11-30T16:46:00.000-05:00

Guilt.....I was trying to find him a roommate near where he worked and he didn't want to live with a stranger...probably because he knew that he couldn't live as he was, drinking, drugs, with "non users". I am afraid he thought I was going to force him to do it. Maybe he took those final Oxys because of it.

Guilt.....He would "threaten" to move back to Ohio and I said "go", but go when you have your life in order, don't go back with "your tail between your legs". Maybe he was trying to tell me that he needed to escape the drugs, drinking, violence in NJ. I know that the drugs and drinking was as bad back in Ohio, but in Ohio he had friends that cared about him and would have had his "back". Maybe he would have been alive if I had not made it look like he was failing if he went back.

Guilt....I am so afraid that he could see the pity, sorrow and sadness in my eyes when he looked at me. If he saw what I felt...maybe he felt like his life was hopeless.

Guilt....When I bailed him out of jail, after letting him sit there for almost 48 hours in a tiny cell with 2 extra large men that were in for murder and they were telling him not to sleep at night because they were going to *****, he walked out, looked at me with a big smile and arms out and I refused to hug him because I was so mad at him for being picked up drunk and with pills.

Guilt...I tried to talk him into going into the Coast Guard or the Military. I even got a recruiters number. I thought it would help him to become focused and be a positive thing. He looked at me with those gentle brown eyes and asked me if I wanted him to go to Iraq and get killed.

The guilt goes on and on...........It is not easy to look back at everything that I said because so often I was reacting to his "problems" that at the time affected my "quality of life". My time was spent "fixing" his problems and worrying about him.

Now that he is gone, my time is spent grieving for him.

This is my "normal" now.

2006-11-30T16:39:00.000-05:00

When no one is in the house and I am having an exceptionally bad day, I loudly say,
" Austin, look what you have done to me, your Mother! How can I live without you? You are my heart!!"

When I am struggling to move heavy furniture up the stairs, I say, "Austin, baby, I need your help!" The weight is lessened and I move things a 5' 5", 110 lbs. woman should not be able to lift. I can hear him say, like dozens of times before, " Here, Mom, let me help you. You shouldn't be doing that yourself."

And I write to him. But mostly I cry. All the time. Everywhere I go. I went to one Compassionate Friends meeting and I could not even say my name. I couldn't quit crying.

My therapist put me on Lexapro a month after Austin died and I lost all emotion, I couldn't cry at his grave, even. I went off of it in less than a week.

I want to feel the pain. I want to hurt. This is my "normal" now.

Our kid's addictions have taken "reality" from us.

2006-11-28T11:08:00.000-05:00

Our kids' addictions have taken "reality" from us. Our emotions when we were with them would change from anguish to pure joy in seconds. We have done things that we never expected to ever do.

Austin was picked up in Camden County, NJ for speeding and they found pot. He was put on probation and had to report to his probation officer once a month. Downtown Camden is VERY scary. In the evening, he would be in a line on the sidewalk leading to the offices, with really hardcore criminal-types. He would take cigarettes with him to smoke so he would appear tough. (he didn't smoke)

I would sit in the car for hours waiting, the car running, double parked...you don't dare park where you could be blocked in and robbed. Once, in the darkness, a man threw his hands on my window and yelled "give me money!" I hit the panic button on my key ring and I yelled back "Go away!" He did.

Then Austin would jump in the car and say "Lets get out of here!" We would feel relief as we left the dangerous streets of Camden.

Every week, Austin would give his probation officer a payment towards his fine…totaling
$1,750.00. At the end of his probation, he received a notice in the mail that he was not getting his driver’s license back until he paid back the fine of $1,750.00 plus delinquent fines. We had to pay it….again. His probation officer was pocketing the money Austin gave him.

This is typical in that world and one cannot do anything about it. Remember... Camden is in a "police state", the Mayor and all his friends are in jail for drug trafficking.

Sudden, heartbreaking grief...

2006-11-15T13:08:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, in a city I don't even remember, I was staring out of my hotel room window when a flock of large birds (I think sea gulls) flew by. There was a loud crash as one hit my window. I stepped closer to the window and saw all but one bird fly on.

The lone bird sat perched on a chimney directly across from me and appeared dazed. It would cock his head this way and that. I assumed it was trying to recover from hitting the window. I couldn't quit watching it, I just stood there staring. Suddenly, it flew down to the rooftop below me... at this point my nose was up against the window pane, waiting to see what the bird was doing.

He swooped down by a dead bird, apparently the one that had actually hit the window. He sat there for a moment, nudging the fallen bird, as if to try to revive it.

The grieved bird suddenly picked the fallen, dead bird up with its claws and flew off above the rooftops, towards the trees in the horizon, never dropping the dead bird even though they were the same size. I watched until they were out of sight.

I felt like I was watching a glimpse of grief that we don't normally see or even think of, in animals. The heartbroken bird couldn't leave his companion alone, even in death.

We aren't the only ones to know grief.

The funeral memories..

2006-11-06T20:04:00.000-05:00

I don't know how I got through those first few weeks, the funeral was surreal, memories are in bits and pieces, my husband and others either filled in the blanks or jolted memories to surface.

The funeral director gave me a lock of Austin's hair.

At the grave site, after the service and music and people were starting to walk away. I turned toward Austin's vault and his father was standing at the foot of the vault. Mike, his Dad, picked up the vault on one end and crying said, "Austin, my son, I'm picking you up one last time." It was so touching. We all cried.

I thought that they say you wake up in the morning and it takes a second to "remember", then the nightmare washes over you . But not me, I have never had a moment I forgot. Although for a while I would run back into the house to grab my cell before getting into the car because I thought Austin may call and tell me he changed his mind.

DNA in a plastic zip lock bag

2006-11-06T19:59:00.000-05:00

I wish that I had thought to keep more unwashed clothes of Austin's, but I was totally unprepared to deal with the loss of him. I just did what I thought I was "supposed" to do. Which was clean up, give to charity, box up and store away and even throw away his belongings. No one told me "what to do" except I knew that I had to empty his apt. quickly and I was afraid that I would be responsible for the remainder of his lease because I co-signed for him. I kept his folded laundry on top of my dryer for a long time (until I replaced the old dryer) because it looked like he may came home and, grab his clothes, and say, "Thanks, Mom, you didn't have to do that!", like he always did. I did take his washcloth and bar of soap from his shower...thinking that I would always have his DNA in a plastic zip lock bag.I miss that big teddy bear of a sweet kid so bad...

Austin Loved the Outdoors.

2006-11-06T19:48:00.000-05:00

Austin and I used to watch Steve Irwin on TV all the time. Austin was very interested in The Crocodile Hunter, National Geographic and anything about the outdoors and animals.

When I cleaned out his apartment, a week after his funeral, I found a bucket of water (in the kitchen) with a small fish in it still swimming around. I am sure he caught it in the creek behind his apt. and thought he would keep it as a pet. So typical Austin!

When he was a child, he brought every living thing he could find home with him. One time our cleaning lady went screaming through the house, yelling at the top of her lungs that there was the biggest bug she'd ever seen crawling in the sunroom. It was Austin's crawl dad (cray fish) that he had gotten out of a creek and had escaped his aquarium.
The next day on my door step, there was a short, but to the point, note that said....
_____________________________________________________________

Mrs. B.,

I have enjoyed cleaning for you and your family.
However I shall not be returning.
Sincerely,M. M.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Such sweet memories of raising 2 boys in a small town in midwestern USA.....

Bittersweet Dreams

2006-10-30T15:05:00.000-05:00

I was in London, England last weekend and found a little peace. Saturday morning I had a dream of Austin. So real. He was about 10 years old and lying down, asleep. I was leaning toward him, crying and thinking, "I hope my sweet baby doesn't know that he is going to die young. I don't want him to know what the future holds for him." He looked so sweet and innocent. I laid my hand on his arm and rubbed it. I felt his skin. Really. When I woke, I felt a mixture of sadness, from knowing his fate and happiness, from touching his warm skin. I can still feel his soft, warm skin.

We are losing our sons...

2006-10-17T19:49:00.000-04:00

This awful life-altering grief is such a paradox. At once I feel so alone and disconnected from the world, yet I have such empathy for the pain and suffering of everyone.
Last month, on a commuter plane from Charlotte, NC to Wilmington, NC, 95 % of the seats were filled with somber, healthy 18-21 yr old boys on their way to Fort Bragg, NC. I cried on the whole flight, knowing that their future was uncertain. Many would be going to Iraq and returning to the parents less than whole, physically, emotionally, or not at all. They looked like sweet, gentle, scared little boys. It broke my heart.

Austin's (political statement) tenth Halloween

2006-10-17T19:40:00.000-04:00

Austin's (tin soldier) fourth Halloween

2006-10-17T19:38:00.000-04:00

Austin's (Orphan Annie) third Halloween with Ryan (clown) and Mom

2006-10-17T19:34:00.000-04:00

Austin's second Halloween

2006-10-17T19:30:00.000-04:00

Austin first Halloween with his brother, Ryan

2006-10-17T19:27:00.000-04:00

Really gonna miss you...

2006-10-13T16:11:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

We took Austin back to Circleville, Ohio, where he grew up, for his funeral.

All his family, friends, their parents, his teachers from school were there for his funeral. After his graveside service, his friends asked if they could play a song for him. They had brought a CD player, speakers, etc. They played a Smokey Robinson song, "I'm really gonna miss you, my friend".

Everybody sobbed...

I Miss You
Really gonna miss you.
It's really gonna be different without you.
Time is going to be hard and slow.
For the rest of my life, going to be thinking about you.
Yes I am. Time came when you had to go.
"I'll miss you my buddy. I'll miss you my friend.
I'll promise my love for you will never end."
In your finest hour, I was there with you.
And without you things won't be the same.
there's a higher power that we answer to and you heard him calling your name.
"Really gonna miss you.
Everything about you. Your smiling face.
I know you want us all to be strong.
I'm really gonna miss you."
I know you've gone to that magic place -- singing you a brand new song.
Really gonna miss you.

-Smokey Robinson

I am desperately seeking solace.

2006-10-13T16:04:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

I am desperately trying to find solace and meaning to my life.

My other son, Ryan, is 28 and lives in Ohio. He is doing well and I am proud of him and thankful that he has his life together. I don't know what I am supposed to do now that I am no longer needed as a Mother.

My husband is very supportive of me, I travel with him on business trips, I don't want for anything, yet I am an empty shell of a person.

I feel like I have fallen into a deep, empty well and have no hope of climbing out.

Austin talked to me about the things he did.

2006-10-13T15:58:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

Austin talked to me about the things he did, the places he went, the risks he took. He told me of going to a street corner in Philadelphia, with his girlfriend, for drugs. The dealer told them to meet him in a nearby drug house. Austin walked in and immediately Brielle was grabbed by a second dealer and Austin had a sawed off shotgun pointed at his head. Austin was 6' 3", 270 lbs. and because his girlfriend was in danger, he went into a survival mode. He threw Brielle out the door and wrestled the gun away from those heathens. He survived that night.

But that addictive lifestyle has no happy ending. Brielle went looking for drugs in Philly by herself and ended up raped and beaten, probably more than once. Austin had his apt. and truck broken into and many things stolen. He had his pet snake sliced and left dying.

Towards the end, ....Brielle, the girl he loved, wanted to marry and have babies with, the girl who he went into the relationship trying to get her off drugs and ended up using them himself........

In the end, I was in California and couldn't reach Austin. In a panic, because I thought he might be in jail, I called Brielle. Her Grandmother answered, and said, "I am sorry but Austin was found dead yesterday." I am sure you know the deep, primal scream that rose from deep inside me.

Nothing prepares you for those words.

Why are we sending our sons to Iraq?

2006-10-13T15:51:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

"For it is impossible for a man to put forward fair and honest views about our affairs if he has not, like everyone else, children whose lives may be at stake"
-Aspasia, ancient Greece

Why do we send young boys to fight for us??

I suppose the young boys are more vulnerable and easily influenced to fight wars they don't even understand... As my son was vulnerable to outside influence. I think about the pain and anguish their families are going through. I imagine it drives them crazy knowing their sons died in the horrors of war.

I (a mother) would have gone to war and tried to destroy those that were responsible for the deaths in NYC on 9-11.

But that is not the war we are sending our precious sons into.

I identified his body at the morgue.

2006-10-13T15:07:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

I identified his body at the morgue read and reread the reports, I spoke to the Medical Examiner, the policeman who was at his apartment, the maintenance man who found him after his girlfriend ran screaming out of the apartment. I sat on the sofa where they found him sitting up with his head on his arm like he had drifted off to sleep watching TV.

I wanted to feel and know and understand everything he had gone through those last few hours of his sweet, precious life. I wanted to be "inside his body", I wanted to change places with him. Or at least be with him, part of him, take away his pain, look after him as he leaves this earth......

But I am uncomfortable with TV shows showing autopsies, even the News, how they disrespect families by showing covered bodies being taken from murder scenes, reporters asking questions of grieving family members as they are sobbing....The public is so insensitive and as a whole the world has been desensitized.

I feel hypersensitive now. I think of all the sadness in each obituary I read, every ambulance I hear, every sad news story, every young soldier that dies.....

Bye, Austin, I love you.

2006-10-13T15:00:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

I have so many emotions.... guilt from my ignorance of drug addiction, not knowing how to help him, demanding that he "just grow up", it was all useless in fixing the real problem. He once said, "Mom, I know you are trying to help me, but you are going about it the wrong way." Unfortunately, he never told me how to help him.

Last summer, he was given a leave of absence from his job "dispatcher for a trucking company" (he was so good at his job!). I took advantage of him being in his apartment during the day and I visited him several times a day. I took away his car (so he couldn't go into Philly for drugs), gave him a bicycle, a phone card, (took away his cell phone, so he couldn't call drug dealers), took away all his cash (I paid his bills, so he couldn't buy drugs), I took him out to lunch every day and took him to the grocery store, so he would not be hungry. And every day, I sat with him and told him everything I wanted him to know....how happy I was when he was born, what a sweet child he was growing up...little excerpts from his life.

I would put my fist on my heart and say, with sadness " You are my heart." Then I would walk down the hall to his front door and say, " Bye, Austin, I love you." and he would say, "Bye, Mom, me, too."

His girlfriend, had a really bad drug problem, Austin actually entered the relationship thinking he could get her clean, but , in fact, she turned him into an addict, She would "date" guys for money and drugs for Austin and her. She procured the Oxycoton that killed my baby. She left him to die alone on a Thursday night.

Austin Nicholas Barthen
Feb.26, 1981 - Sep. 16, 2005

"You are my heart."

2006-10-13T14:51:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

I talked to Austin daily last summer, he was told to leave his job and not come back until he got his life in order. The drug use was affecting his performance on the job.

Everyday, I was with him, talking, buying him food and telling him "You are my heart". He said he was going to be OK and by the time he was 30 he would pay me back all the money I spent on fines, bills, etc...$30,000 worth of keeping him out of trouble, in a safe place and fed. It was all the money I had. I would just look at him and sadly smile. I hope he didn't see the hopelessness in my face. I felt like my son was slowly dying and there was nothing I could do about it. He refused to believe that drugs were a real problem and could lead to his death.

In death, Austin has reached out to Ryan and watched over him. Ryan has transformed into an amazing man. Ryan tells me that he will not put me through again what I went through with Austin. I love my boys.

"Mom, Why are you doing this to yourself?"

2006-10-13T14:24:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

One day when I was having an exceptionally bad day, I was sitting on the floor, sobbing, surrounded by Austin's pictures, birth certificate, death certificate, obituary and all the other papers that I ended up with....Literally, I was torturing myself........I could clearly hear Austin say in a sad tone, "Mom, Why are you doing this to yourself?" I can just picture him looking down at me and shaking his head.

Unconditional Love

2006-10-13T08:52:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

When I was at my wits end dealing with Austin and trying to figure out what to do, I read everything on the net I could. Most of what I read was along the lines of "Tough Love". Then I came across a mother saying that she was not going to kick her son out of the house. She wanted to know that he had a roof over his head, a bed to sleep in, and food in his stomach. She didn't give him money or condone his behavior. That really struck a chord with me.

That is what I decided to do for Austin. He had his own apartment, but he was going to lose it because he was on leave from his work until he "got clean". He had no income, so he was to move in with me. I bought him groceries, took him with me to restaurants, gave him a bicycle (he lost his license), gave him a phone card (didn't want him to have a cell phone because he would call dealers) and I spent a lot of time with him talking about everything. I am so glad I spent the time with him. He died 3-4 days before he would have moved back in with me.

Oh, I have regrets...a week before he died, he asked me to take him to see "Dukes of Hazard" movie and I told him I was too busy. But I am so glad that I took care of his basic needs. I guess all our kids need unconditional love. That doesn't mean we like what they do.

Today I Buried My Son

2006-10-13T08:42:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

Those words "Today, I buried my son" is something no parent should ever have to say. Today I was going through photographs and came across a photo of me in an airplane, on my way to bury my son. I looked so bewildered and confused. I remember it being so surreal at the time.

As odd as it seems, strangers have given me the most comfort. And they don't say stupid things like, he is in a better place, you are lucky to have another son, etc.

The gap growing longer...

2006-10-13T08:39:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

I wish time would stand still, I don't want a year, months, days, hours seconds to add up, making the time without Austin even more. If I can't have the day before he died back, at least I want the day after.

I don't want the gap growing longer.

Memories of Grief

2006-10-13T08:36:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

I can hardly remember what it was like those first few days after Austin died. The thoughts, visions, flashes of memories, conversations with Austin...it all kept replaying in a super-fast motion. I felt like I was propelled into a lifetime of memories every day, hour, minute, second. It was all a blur. Now, it is the same horrific emotions, memories, sound bytes, but slower, as in a slow motion film. It was a year ago, Sept. 16th, 2005 that my son, Austin died in NJ, minutes from Philadelphia, from Oxycontins.

"I Am"

2006-10-12T15:44:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

Four weeks after Austin died, I flew back to Columbus, Ohio and got a room with two double beds at the Westin, Great Southern Hotel. Ryan, Austin's big brother (although Austin is 4 yrs. younger, they always looked after each other) was driving in from Michigan and met me there.

We went to sleep with a nightstand w/clock radio and my glass of water between us.At 6:00am the radio started blaring. Ryan reached over and shut it off. At 6:30am it went off again. My glass of water seemingly was lifted up and drenched me in the face. Ryan shut the radio off again! Austin was really trying to get our attention!

When we woke up at 800am, Ryan was shaking. He said "Mom, I had a dream that was so real. I know that Austin really spoke to me. I was sitting in a booth and Austin walked in wearing plaid boxers and a t-shirt and his hair was messed up like he just woke up." (this is what we found out he was wearing when he died, later) "He sat down across from me and explained to me that he accidently took too many Oxycontins and there wasn't anything that could be done to save him." (at this point Ryan is crying) Ryan said, "No, Austin, something can be done, you can't leave us! You have to always stay with me!" Now, Ryan really broke down. He said that Austin looked at him and smiled the way he would always smile at him when he knew that Ryan wouldn't be able to understand. And then he said something...but the thing is...Ryan couldn't remember! Ryan was heart-broken because he couldn't remember the last thing Austin told him.

Later that day, I was driving back to NJ with a friend, he called my cell phone. Ryan was yelling, "I remember! It just came back to me so clearly! When I said You have to always stay with me!.....

Austin said "I am"."

My Angel Son

2006-10-11T18:00:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

When Austin was 5 yrs. old he drew me a picture of himself....as an angel! He was standing on the ground, beside a tree, under a sun. With big, beautiful angel wings. A few days later I found an antique cameo (for $1.00!) at a shop, edged in solid gold with a cherub face and wings, I swear it looked like him, with his curly, blonde hair. I put it on a gold chain and wore it. He looked up at it and said, "Mommy, don't wear that, I'm not an angel yet."

I kept it...and now I wear it. I kept his angel-boy self portrait, also. I guess in some way, we both knew that his life was to be short. He always seemed able to understand things that were unexplainable.

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

2006-10-10T20:06:00.000-04:00

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

I lost my wonderful baby boy Sept. 16,2005 at the young age of 24 to Oxycoton. I am in intense and overwelming grief. And guilt for not understanding that "hitting bottom" means death. I thought once he hit bottom, he would realize that he needed rehab. I want my Austin back! Oxycoton killed a intellegent, sweet, handsome, wonderful 6'3". 270 lb. gentle giant of a boy that had everything going for him. My mind can't comprehend the finality of death.