Is this what Austin would want?

I want the memory of Austin to always be fresh in the minds of everyone who loved him and considered him a friend. Austin was always making new friends and I don't want that to ever stop. With this blog, more and more people can get to know him.

Obviously, this is through the eyes of a Mother who dearly loved him.

I started this blog to help others understand how drugs can destroy lives. I don't know if Austin would want his life "put out there" for all to see, but I think that he would want me to do what ever it took to help me find some sort of peace. I remember him saying, "Aw, Mom, you are so nice."

Memories...

I have memory "snapshots" of Austin as a toddler......

slobbery kisses

sturdy legs as I put on his socks and Striderite white hightop EEE shoes.... always had wide feet : )

his arms held out wide, waiting to be picked up and hugged

blonde curls

happy, loving personality

and so many more..............................

I had a "good" day yesterday.

I had a "good" day yesterday. It was a beautiful, sunshiny day and I went forth into the world and interacted with people and I wasn't in my "grief fog" that I have been struggling in daily, "since". Austin was on my mind as always and when someone asked if I had children, I explained that I had two sons...Ryan, 29 yrs old and Austin, who died 18 mos. ago at age 24 yr. old.

Later, I went to my "special" place in the cemetery next door (I buried a piece of Austin's shirt under a huge, beautiful oak tree) and "talked" to him and left him seashells that I had dyed pastel colors. (Austin was buried in Ohio, but I am in NC) Anyway...I don't think I am the only person to do this, on the other side of "Austin's" tree someone had laid a bouquet of cut flowers!

But...I was aware that I felt peaceful and even happy. I realize now, there is a "place" where we can be...where we can enjoy the present moment and still miss them, remember them, talk about them. It's a place that just happens, I don't think we can consciously "work" toward that goal. It just happens. I remember telling Austin...."Life isn't always "happy", the key is to recognize blissful moments. And enjoy." I suppose I am taking the advice that I gave Austin. Or maybe he is giving it back to me?...

There isn't a "cure" for our grief. All the advice..."go on with your life, move on, keep busy, focus on other things......blah, blah, blah" is meaningless. I lost a son. That is who I am for the rest of my life. But I can re-join the world on my own terms. And I still have two sons. One living in Ohio and one that is always near me.

I love them both.

Smile When You Think of Me...

I had a dream last night. The kind of dream where it is so real and you wake up right afterwards and relive it again and again over in your mind.

I was at a table, writing in a notebook, making lists in boxes. A list of things that Austin can't do or missed out on.

The top of the page read, A List of Austin.

I wrote…

I can’t tell him I love him.

________________________________


He never got to marry.

________________________________


He didn’t get to have children.

________________________________


He doesn’t know I love him.

________________________________





As I am writing this, Ryan and Austin are both in the room. Austin walks over and reads what I am writing.

Austin said, “Mom, Do I make you smile?”

“Yes, Austin.”

Austin said, “Then smile when you think of me and I will know you are thinking of me and you love me.”

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever".

T-Ball

I remember Austin playing T-ball when he was 5 years old and his "position"
was catcher. He could hardly move in all that padding and he had a catchers
"face protector" on.

I remember trying to kiss him through the face grill before the game and couldn't get past the grill. The coach said, "Catchers don't kiss their Mothers before a game!"

I laughed!

My "Angel" Cameo

In my horrific grieving, I have been reaching "outside the box". There has been so many unexplainable things that have occurred.

I asked my MD for a grief counselor and she referred me to a Dr. ****. I didn't go to the session with any expectations of even talking about "signs" and "afterlife", after I spoke to her about Austin and how close we were, she brought it up about him still being with me and how there were really mediums that could speak to people whom have crossed over. And she said there were fake ones out there, also!

Last weekend I went to a medium and I got a sense of relief...(after an hour of crying). Well, I learned that Austin and I are "old souls" that have been together in other lives. That he chose me to be his mother, that he knew he wasn't going to live a long life (I know that to be true, he used to tell me that when he was 5, when he drew a self portrait as an angel), that he went when he did because we all have "missions" in life and he could serve better from the other side.

Also…When Austin was young, I bought an antique cameo of a cherub, it looked just like Austin. I put it on a chain and wore it. Austin looked up at me and said, “Don’t wear that,Mommy. I am not an angel yet.”

Austin said that he is going to use "tough love" on me and insist that I quit feeling guilty. He knows that I love him. He said that my purpose on this earth is to help other mothers.

There were several things that were said in the session that "made sense". One of the first things she said to me was that I "had the light". This is something that I have known but been avoiding all my life. I have had undeniable "experiences" and seen and known things and I knew Austin did, too. I am medicated with ADD meds but the problem may be in part to my not being able to filter all the....I'm not sure how to explain it. Right now I am in a quiet house, alone, looking over a tidal sound. But ever so often, I hear footsteps, the whistling of a tune, and I smell a whiff of very sweet perfume (not mine!). The other night I kept waking up from the smell of this perfume!

Austin and I used to look up at the sky and try to visualize us on earth, and then expand to The Milky Way, then other universes, and on to infinity. It hurt our brains. That is how I feel now. Living 51 years of thinking that what I see in front of me, "known" reality is just a small part of life.

We all have the choice to listen to society (mainly people that have never lost a child) and believe that our kids are gone or to believe they are still with us. I believe that Austin is still with me. Remember the phrase..."The more we know, the more we know we don't know."? There is SO MUCH we don't know.

So now I am studying Quantum Physics, the String Theory, etc… and it makes perfect sense!

Pages from my journel...

Oh, I gotta tell you...Nathan left this morning for a meeting in north NJ until tomorrow morning, so I am all alone in the house. Well, this morning I was thinking that I haven't "heard" from Austin in a few days. I went into the bathroom and put a new roll of toilet paper in the holder. Then I went in the bedroom, made the bed, picked something up to put it away in the bathroom......And the entire new roll of TP had unrolled and was laying in the floor! I started laughing and said, "Austin, I am still cleaning up after you!" He was definitely channeling his "inner child"!

If that wasn't enough, the garage door keeps opening by itself! It has never done that before today! The medium I saw said that Austin appeared to her as a young boy around 10 yrs. old. He "told" her that was the age he was happiest. When I dream of Austin, that is the age he always appears. So, it makes sense that he is being mischievous!

As I was putting on my make-up the lights went out (the breaker tripped for the bedroom)

I shut a door upstairs and this morning it was open!

Knowing that Austin "visits" me has brought me a form of peace and acceptance. After Austin died, I focused on his physical absence. Now I have Austin back, just in a different way. I will take whatever I can get!

I have a little plastic bag that I labeled "Austin's Dimes", I call it his
dime bag and I put the dimes in it. Sometimes I find one right after another. Once I followed a trail of dimes leading to his painting! I just laugh and say "Hi, Austin!" Thank goodness for the bluetooth technology ....people don't look at you when you are talking to yourself anymore, they think you are talking to an earpiece!

To my Grief.net family, my on-line support system

I was just trying to clean up my mail box...I tend to save everything "as new" and it builds up! I was reading all these sweet notes from everybody and I couldn't delete. So I started a file "Sweet notes of comfort", to save them under.

I just can't believe what a wonderful, caring group of people you are. I am connected to you all and I thank G*d for that. I sometimes don't answer or respond but that doesn't mean I wasn't touched, sometimes I read and smile, sometimes I read and cry and sometimes I save it to answer when I have a free moment, then it seems too late.

Some of you are struggling with difficulties that are seemingly un-surmountable without the added horror of losing a child. You have lost other children, spouses, have gone/still going through major health issues, dealing with the addictions of other children and brother. One of you has a husband in a nursing home; another has a husband in Iraq. There are those with financial problems and those that are forced to work in an environment that doesn't deal well with grieving employees. Some of you have bravely moved far from everything familiar to start a new life in a different place. Some of us have been reunited with family members and others have been shunned.

But every typed word means something to me, sometimes it is familiar, sometimes it makes me think, sometimes it gives me hope, mostly I am just so much in awe of all of you.

I don't remember all the names, but you know who you are...

Wow, one of you is painting your heart out! What a magnificent idea!

Others are reading, exploring, learning so much that we didn't know/understand until grief has brought us to this point.

Still others are leading the way to go on TV, helping in documentaries, public speaking, spreading the message that addiction is not a choice. You are educating the public about this tragic epidemic.

Then there are those that are waging a more personal war on those dealers/people that were responsible for your child's death. You are dealing with prosecutors, court systems and putting yourself at risk, to save another family from this intense pain. You are selfless.

Also, I listened to a brother's song wrote about how he misses his brother who died from drugs. It was on his brother's web site. I cried so much that I couldn't even tell you how it affected me. It was heartbreaking.

You are my family and I cherish you all.

Peace,
Lesli.....Ryan and Austin's Mom
Austin Nicholas Barthen
2/26/1981 - 9/16/2005

http://grief-journel.blogspot.com

http://austin-barthen.memory-of.com/

As most of you know, I have been living in a house in Wilmington, NC on the
Sound since the first of December. I felt peace instantly. I knew Austin
was with me, I felt him near me in a comforting way. I was happy, I was sharing
my life with Austin.

I thought that I had progressed greatly in my grief.

Then, last week we decided to return to our home in NJ for 10 days, for an
assortment of reasons. Before I even left for the airport I was an emotional
mess. Coming back here in NJ has not been good. I feel like I am in the eye
of a storm and all the guilt, new grief, raw pain, bad memories, sound
bytes, snapshots...they are all swirling around me. I literally have limited
vision, hearing because of all the chaos surrounding me. I can't concentrate, I
have heart palpitations, my hands are shaking....symptoms of a panic attack.
I feel that there is a negative energy at work here.

Has anyone else had to leave their home to find peace? Isn't it harder to stay where there is bad memories? Do the good memories override the bad memories? This wasn't Austin's "childhood" home or even state. I raised my sons in Ohio, Austin came to NJ when he was 18 to live with me. Maybe if I had raised him here I would have better memories of NJ.

I don't think Austin would want me to stay in NJ. He used to tell me, "Mom, you don't know. New Jersey is a bad place." Maybe, he knew he would die here.

And now I am spiraling back into that deep, black hole of grief.

Happy Birthday in a Bottle

Austin's birthday was Monday, February 26.

We were in the Virgin Islands to attend a wedding.

On the ferry, leaving St John (the wedding was in Caneel Bay), and floating back to our hotel in St Thomas... I had a birthday card wrote out for Austin, shoved in a wine bottle and corked tightly. We were sitting on the top of the ferry; I stood up, threw the bottle over into the beautiful Caribbean waters and shouted into the star-filled sky "Happy Birthday, Austin!"

Then I sat down, with my head on Nathan’s lap and cried.

Why do I think Austin did drugs?

Someone asked me why I thought Austin did drugs. Everyone thinks that there must be underlying, psychological problems...this is what is answered..

You asked me about what drew Austin to drugs... I think he started drinking around 13 or so. I didn't know at the time, but he later told me. He wasn't a follower, he was in student council, He liked to "be liked". He hated conflict and was very sociable. He was a big kid and was talked into joining the Logan Elm HS wrestling team by the coach. He quit soon after. I remember him looking at me so seriously and saying, "Mom, I am not mad at anybody, why would I want to hurt them?"

I know that Austin, like anyone, had sorrow, guilt, etc. but, honestly, I think that it started as just being social and escalated out of his control.

Sometimes. it. just. is.

Handmade Valentine

I found a handmade valentine that Austin had made in grade school...
construction paper and paper doily...with a poem he wrote me......

Sun sets in Autum,
Sun rises in May.
I'll listen to your problems,
I'll also care.
From my hearts bottom,
Happy Valentines Day.

I can see Austin...

I can see Austin in a crowd...standing, sort of rocking a little on his feet, leaning a little forward, one hand in his pocket, the other adjusting his NY Yankees baseball cap, a slow smile forming across his face, his head bent down just a little so he can hear because he is 6'3' and is used to leaning in to listen, his smile widens, he looks up, his eyes dancing and he chuckles, that wonderful beginnings of laughter.

A Green Vase of Yellow Daisies

When Nathan and I moved to our Wilmington, NC home, the early part of December, I had never been there before. We had loaded up our SUV with clothes and a few personal things to make it look familiar. Nathan's company had furnished and decorated the house complete with linens, silverware, wine, etc. At the last minute, before we left our home in NJ, I ran down into our basement and grabbed a framed piece of artwork that Austin had done for me in the 8th grade.

When we finally arrived at our new home there was a little gecko by the sliding glass windows in the living room. I knew Austin was there! I very carefully scooped it up and let it out safely.

The following day, as I unpacked I noticed a familiar looking green vase of silk yellow daisies on the mantle. The next box I unpacked held Austin's artwork. A painting of a green vase of yellow daisies. The resemblance, the shape of the vase is uncanny.

I am realizing that not everything is what it appears. Actually, nothing is and our perception of time and space is only limited to what is within our own comfort zone.

Blissful Moments.

I moved seasonally to Wilmington, NC. I have palm trees, live oak trees and am living in a beautiful house with huge windows facing a tidal sound and further out the ocean. It is breathtaking.

As I write, I am looking out over beautiful vistas with egrets, pelicans, and nature. It is very spiritual.

Behind my house is a lovely cemetery with swans swimming in a reflecting pond. I am going to bury a piece of Austin's shirt there and meditate. Austin would love it here.

I have had actual moments of peace lately. It feels good. I still think of Austin constantly, but in a loving way. He shows me he is with me in many, extraordinary ways. I don't know how long the warm feelings will last, but I am grateful for these blissful moments.

Guilt...

Guilt.....I was trying to find him a roommate near where he worked and he didn't want to live with a stranger...probably because he knew that he couldn't live as he was, drinking, drugs, with "non users". I am afraid he thought I was going to force him to do it. Maybe he took those final Oxys because of it.

Guilt.....He would "threaten" to move back to Ohio and I said "go", but go when you have your life in order, don't go back with "your tail between your legs". Maybe he was trying to tell me that he needed to escape the drugs, drinking, violence in NJ. I know that the drugs and drinking was as bad back in Ohio, but in Ohio he had friends that cared about him and would have had his "back". Maybe he would have been alive if I had not made it look like he was failing if he went back.

Guilt....I am so afraid that he could see the pity, sorrow and sadness in my eyes when he looked at me. If he saw what I felt...maybe he felt like his life was hopeless.

Guilt....When I bailed him out of jail, after letting him sit there for almost 48 hours in a tiny cell with 2 extra large men that were in for murder and they were telling him not to sleep at night because they were going to *****, he walked out, looked at me with a big smile and arms out and I refused to hug him because I was so mad at him for being picked up drunk and with pills.

Guilt...I tried to talk him into going into the Coast Guard or the Military. I even got a recruiters number. I thought it would help him to become focused and be a positive thing. He looked at me with those gentle brown eyes and asked me if I wanted him to go to Iraq and get killed.

The guilt goes on and on...........It is not easy to look back at everything that I said because so often I was reacting to his "problems" that at the time affected my "quality of life". My time was spent "fixing" his problems and worrying about him.

Now that he is gone, my time is spent grieving for him.

This is my "normal" now.

When no one is in the house and I am having an exceptionally bad day, I loudly say,
" Austin, look what you have done to me, your Mother! How can I live without you? You are my heart!!"

When I am struggling to move heavy furniture up the stairs, I say, "Austin, baby, I need your help!" The weight is lessened and I move things a 5' 5", 110 lbs. woman should not be able to lift. I can hear him say, like dozens of times before, " Here, Mom, let me help you. You shouldn't be doing that yourself."

And I write to him. But mostly I cry. All the time. Everywhere I go. I went to one Compassionate Friends meeting and I could not even say my name. I couldn't quit crying.

My therapist put me on Lexapro a month after Austin died and I lost all emotion, I couldn't cry at his grave, even. I went off of it in less than a week.

I want to feel the pain. I want to hurt. This is my "normal" now.

Our kid's addictions have taken "reality" from us.

Our kids' addictions have taken "reality" from us. Our emotions when we were with them would change from anguish to pure joy in seconds. We have done things that we never expected to ever do.

Austin was picked up in Camden County, NJ for speeding and they found pot. He was put on probation and had to report to his probation officer once a month. Downtown Camden is VERY scary. In the evening, he would be in a line on the sidewalk leading to the offices, with really hardcore criminal-types. He would take cigarettes with him to smoke so he would appear tough. (he didn't smoke)

I would sit in the car for hours waiting, the car running, double parked...you don't dare park where you could be blocked in and robbed. Once, in the darkness, a man threw his hands on my window and yelled "give me money!" I hit the panic button on my key ring and I yelled back "Go away!" He did.

Then Austin would jump in the car and say "Lets get out of here!" We would feel relief as we left the dangerous streets of Camden.

Every week, Austin would give his probation officer a payment towards his fine…totaling
$1,750.00. At the end of his probation, he received a notice in the mail that he was not getting his driver’s license back until he paid back the fine of $1,750.00 plus delinquent fines. We had to pay it….again. His probation officer was pocketing the money Austin gave him.

This is typical in that world and one cannot do anything about it. Remember... Camden is in a "police state", the Mayor and all his friends are in jail for drug trafficking.

Sudden, heartbreaking grief...

A few months ago, in a city I don't even remember, I was staring out of my hotel room window when a flock of large birds (I think sea gulls) flew by. There was a loud crash as one hit my window. I stepped closer to the window and saw all but one bird fly on.

The lone bird sat perched on a chimney directly across from me and appeared dazed. It would cock his head this way and that. I assumed it was trying to recover from hitting the window. I couldn't quit watching it, I just stood there staring. Suddenly, it flew down to the rooftop below me... at this point my nose was up against the window pane, waiting to see what the bird was doing.

He swooped down by a dead bird, apparently the one that had actually hit the window. He sat there for a moment, nudging the fallen bird, as if to try to revive it.

The grieved bird suddenly picked the fallen, dead bird up with its claws and flew off above the rooftops, towards the trees in the horizon, never dropping the dead bird even though they were the same size. I watched until they were out of sight.

I felt like I was watching a glimpse of grief that we don't normally see or even think of, in animals. The heartbroken bird couldn't leave his companion alone, even in death.

We aren't the only ones to know grief.