Politics

Unfortunately, I was not picked as a NJ delegate.  Close, but no cigar.  But if someone drops out, I am an alternate..... 

Last night we went to the HUGE rally for Hillary at the Palestra in Penn University (in Philadelphia).  VIP seats! 

Nathan always wanted to see Bill speak, so I got TONS of points for getting us in there, up close and personal!  We saw Bill, Hillary, Chelsea, Myor Nutter and Gov. Rendell.  It was fabulous!  I can't help it, I love politics!  Hopefully, today the people of PA will vote for Hillary.  Otherwise, if she drops out, I will have to back McCain.....  I have to go with the background and experience!

 

As a (short) note to my dear friends in grief... I intend to put out the message to Hillary about our specific needs on  healthcare. Briefly, most of our young adult sons and daughters were without health insurance, were not able to afford rehabs with good track records, and they were self medicating themselves with prescription drugs from the streets.   Sadly, the fact that our kids have died and more are dying each day from drugs has not been addressed. I was hoping for the opportunity in Denver to properly address these extremely important issues. I realize those that have not lost a child won't recognize the need, but trust me, there are literally thousands of grieving parents that didn't think it would happen to their child and hundreds of thousands more are at risk at this very moment.  (I will get off the soapbox now)

 

Peace and politics,

Lesli

http://grief-journal.blogspot.com/

I love Savannah!  The city is so very European, a mixture of the south of France with a "softer" version of New Orleans.  I absolutely love it.  The streets, the squares, the architecture is amazing.  It feels good.  

Austin's Birthday

September 26 is Austin's birthday.

27 years ago I was blessed with a 8 lb.14 oz. beautiful, perfect baby boy.

On his birthday, I drove to Long Beach Island, NJ and left Austin a birthday card on the rocky beach.  I didn't stay long, it was windy and cold and as desolate as I felt.

  

Along the sand dunes, on the fence, there were balloons attached.... As if a party was waiting for Austin on this isolated beach.

Austin's birthday present is ten trees planted in Gallantin National Forest, near Yellowstone National Park. 

 

Happy Birthday, Austin.  I love you.

New Jersey

I have returned to New Jersey, an overpopulated state of negative energy and bad memories.   

Why do I dislike NJ… beside the obvious reasons?

I have lived here for 9 years, yet I don’t consider this home.  I have no sense of belonging to a community feeling here.

It is the only place where people have been less than nice to me.

It is so crowded that you don’t really know when you left one town and entered another.

People snarl, “Have a good one.”  (What does a “good one” mean?

You can’t make left turns, where you really need to make a left turn!

I like religious diversity, but when did Santa Claus become a religion and why are agnostics practicing it?

The “ghetto” way of putting the accent on the last syllable of words ending in on, en or an is really getting on my nerves.  Trent-IN, Camd-IN, Man-hat-IN

I miss clear, starry nights.

The crime, homicides and availability/use of drugs and alcohol are unbelievably high.

People think that they are “safe” because the homicides are “mostly in Camden and parts of Philadelphia”.  Less than 20 miles away!  Wake up!  We are living on the outskirts of the worst areas in the US, for God’s sake!

People tend to have opinionated, closed-minded attitudes.

Women have loud, abrasive voices.

Okay……the above listed are somewhat petty annoyances, but I gotta get out of NJ.  For real.

I truly dislike NJ.  My son died here.  People were mean to him.  People that really should have been nice and supportive like FAMILY but they were greedy and selfish. Typical New Jersey.

I can't live here much longer......

 

 

A Mother's Wrath

The emotional make-up of a mother is such a paradox.

I am a nurturing, caring person that feels empathy and compassion toward all of the Mothers’ children of the world. I have long forgiven Austin’s girlfriend and family for their contribution towards my son’s death. I want Brielle to be drug-free and live a good and productive life. I want this because I know that is what Austin wants.

I have always avoided conflict, emotional or physical. I do not like violence of any kind. I don’t like to hear someone shout “Moron!” to a car in a traffic situation. I can think of a dozen reasons that a driver may accidentally cut me off, after all, life doesn’t revolve around me and my problems.

I am a Mother. One of generations of mothers that has descended from centuries of Mothers protecting their precious children. As a Mother, a female…we are of a softer, sweeter nature. We want to protect and take care of others.

Now the paradox, the contradiction…..

Someone did something really stupid to my oldest son. I have never felt such enormous, all-encompassing wrath, rage and fury focused at an individual.

Internet fraud, destroying of personal property, extortion…all from a “friend”.

This individual and his extended family, to my knowledge, have not contributed in any positive way to society. He spends his day’s unemployed, playing video games, four-wheeling, sleeping at friends/relatives. Basically, he is a drain on society, not with standing the criminal acts.

This criminal shall feel the intense vehemence of rage as he has never known. .

My son will be fine. He is a good, decent person with a promising future. He has good work ethics, is compassionate and loving, he is truly an amazing young man.

Grief Manifests as Physical Pain

The gnawing pain has been circling my abdomen for months now. It is as if the grief in my heart has overflowed into my intestines and is searching for a new area to explore, invade, and take over. This pain/ grief has become an entity within itself. A creature that is clawing at my insides with such a razor-sharp fury that it leaves me clutching my fists to my stomach in agony. I lay on the cool tiled floor of my bathroom, breathing shallowly, and waiting for the pain to ease.

Last week the pain found its way to my right side. No more was I allowed the brief reprieves that I had earlier. I now had a constant reminder that all was not right. Everything I ate, no matter how bland, gave me pain. Cold drinking water would put my stomach into spasms. Nothing would stay down.

Doctors will evaluate the symptoms, test results and come up with a diagnosis and plan of action.

I need to gain control of my grief or it will manifest itself in another part of my body. I will never quit grieving for Austin, but I don’t want to be a victim of grief.

The Love of a Brother Never Dies.

THE LOVE OF A BROTHER NEVER DIES.
IT STAYS STRONG AND ENDLESS AS TIME GOES BY.
SOMETIMES LIFE TAKES A TURN FOR THE WORST,
BUT A BROTHER'S LOVE CONTINUES ON ALWAYS FIRST.
WHEN ONE MUST GO ON TO THE HEAVENS ABOVE,
NOT EVEN THAT CAN STOP THEIR LOVE.
A PHYSICAL BODY DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THERE.
THE SURVIVING BROTHER FEELS HIM EVERYWHERE.
HE KNOWS HE HAS A GUARDIAN, HIS OWN PERSONAL ANGEL.
IT'S HIS BROTHER, HIS FRIEND NOT JUST A STRANGER.
A BROTHER'S LOVE IS FOREVER WITHOUT END.
IN LIFE OR IN DEATH ON EACH OTHER THEY CAN DEPEND.


JANDA
SETH'S MOMMA (08-05-07)





This was written by Janda, a dear friend "in grief".

We were a team; Ryan, Austin and I.

Ryan, my first born son is now an only child.

I hear his voice on the phone and I hold my breath, I simply can’t breathe from the fear of losing him. My heart aches from the sheer gratitude of having him for a son.

We were a team; Ryan, Austin and I. Through good times and bad times. Whether we were living near or far. Each son would call me to update me with what the other was doing…

Ryan called me one night and said, “Mom, Our dog died tonight, I am on my way back to college. Could you go pick Austin up and have him spend the night with you? I don’t want him alone tonight.”

Austin told me Ryan got a tattoo in anger at me over my change in religion, “Mom, don’t worry, he wanted to hurt you, but he’ll get over it. It will be okay.”

Dropping off my sons at the airport in Philadelphia, Ryan turned to me and said, “Mom, last night I left my hat at a strip club. Could you pick it up for me?” Later, Austin called me and said, “Oh, Mom, I can’t believe Ryan said that to you! He shouldn’t have!” I laughed and I did pick his hat up for him. That was typical of the boys…Ryan would tell me anything, Austin would protect me.

I know, I know....you can't reason with the drugs.

I know, I know....you can't reason with the drugs. I felt hopeless with Austin and I am afraid he felt hopeless, also. But, geez, those drugs are so powerful, they take over the mind, the body, the soul and they don't let go until all the ambition, hopes and dreams are gone, and the life is sucked out. I don't think I could cope with dealing with the lying and excuses and begging for money again. Even though I understand that "it's the addiction", it is still maddening and frustrating, beyond belief.

Boy, I wish drug addicts were rational....I would do anything to have Austin back, the son that he was without the drugs. But it would be wrong of me to want him to live his life in that hell of addiction that led to his death. And, honestly, it was hell for me, too. To see my baby boy being tortured by drugs, to wonder every night where he was, to worry that every time the phone rang that he may be in jail, hurt, or finally, the unthinkable...

I know, without a doubt, that Austin is set free now. He is happy and joyful. He shows me his presence when I need him most. Right or wrong, that is the reality I choose to believe, thank you very much.

What you disturbance ride had storm fades passionate complete spirit

What you disturbance ride had storm fades passionate complete spirit

I have never been able to type without "hunt and peck", I have taken numerous classes and have given up, that is just part of being dyslexic! So I thought I would close my eyes (and let Austin type through me) and using Microsoft word..just type. It was gibberish, then I did spell check, a little better, then synonyms..and this is what I got!

What you disturbance ride had storm fades passionate complete spirit. maybe it means nothing...but maybe it does.... Maybe...what I saw as Austin's disturbing ride ending into a storm, actually transcends to where his spirit is passionately complete.

What do you think?

I remember...

Even with knowing and believing (I really do believe!) that Austin is still with us and surrounds us with love.....it still is so painful to live without him. I miss being able to reach out and touch his cheek, smooth down his hair, lay a hand on his shoulder... I was supposed to have a lifetime of touches, not just 24 yrs! You know, I just remembered something about Austin when he was little......I would say he was "skin-hungry" because he was always wanting to hug me and be picked up and was always up close to me, with his arms around my neck, very loving. Maybe he was trying to get a lifetime of hugs in a few short years.........

I remember….

Austin sitting on the kitchen counter, with his Striderite shoes and socks on. A diaper and t-shirt. Blond curls. Baby teeth. Beautiful smile. I remember his sturdy, little legs. Sturdy. I can hear the sound of his shoes hitting the cupboard doors. Even as a baby, he wore EEE shoes.

An obituary from 1850 that says it all...

"Thus is cut off, in the morning of his days, one in whom many hopes were centred - and who had the fairest prospects of happiness and usefulness in life."

Rose Kennedy knew grief.....

Grief,
like the ocean,
comes in waves only to recede and come yet again.

But with it comes healing.
Memories wash ashore and are bathed by the golden sun.
Grab hold of those memories and let them fill the emptiness.

It has been said that time heals all wounds.
I do not agree.
The wounds remain.
In time the mind,
protecting its sanity,
covers them with scar tissue
and the pain lessons----but it is never gone.

Rose Kennedy

Purdue Feels the Pain of OxyContin Felony, Fine

Purdue Feels the Pain of OxyContin Felony, Fine
May 16, 2007
By: Beth Herskovits
PharmExec Direct
Executives at Purdue Pharma are opening their own wallets and paying out large wads of cash to settle charges that they "misbranded" painkiller OxyContin--as part of a hefty plea agreement that may signal the courts' mounting frustration with sketchy marketing practices by Big Pharma.
Purdue will pay upwards of $600 million--one of the largest fines ever slapped on a drug maker--to resolve felony charges that they encouraged sales reps to fraudulently market OxyContin (oxycodone) as less addictive than other pain medications.
In a striking twist, the fine is levied against both the company and three high-level execs: Michael Friedman, president and COO; Howard Udell, executive vice-president and chief legal officer; and Paul Goldenheim, former executive vice-president of worldwide medical affairs. All three had to plead guilty to misdemeanor charges and together cover a $34.5 million fine.
While naming individual officials in such suits is not unheard of, it is unusual for a firm's chief legal officer to be among them, according to Carole Handler, vice-chair of the intellectual property litigation practice at law firm Foley & Lardner. "We're in a standard of much stricter scrutiny on corporate management. In order to bring about compliance...the philosophy is you need to hurt people in their pocketbooks," Handler said, adding, "This decision is designed to prevent others from going down the same road."
Officials in Virginia came down hard and fast on the company when they announced the settlement to the public. "Even in the face of warnings from healthcare professionals, the media, and members of its own sales force...Purdue, under the leadership of its top executives, continued to push a fraudulent marketing campaign," said US Attorney John Brownlee in a statement. "In the process, scores died as a result of OxyContin abuse, and an even greater number became addicted."
The case related to Purdue's marketing push between January 1996 and June 2001. It alleged that the company's sales reps used tools such as exaggerated graphs and incomplete study data to "prove" that time-released OxyContin was less addictive and prone to abuse--and had fewer withdrawal side effects--than fast-acting painkillers like morphine.
With an aggressive push to general practitioners, OxyContin achieved sales of $1.8 billion in 2004 before it lost patent protection the following year. By then it had also become infamous as one of America's most abused substances--snorted, crushed, and injected by rural teens and tabloid celebs alike.
On its Web site, Purdue seemed to "depict [the case] as a rogue action of a few individuals," said August Horvath, special counsel at law firm Heller Ehrman.
"Nearly six years and longer ago, some employees made, or told other employees to make, certain statements about OxyContin..that were inconsistent with the FDA-approved prescribing information for OxyContin," the statement reads. "During the past six years, we have implemented changes to our internal training, compliance, and monitoring systems that seek to assure that similar events do not occur again." The site also lists measures that Purdue has taken to retrain its sales force and alert physicians about potential for abuse.
Horvath recalled that 10 years ago a $10 million fine was considered a large settlement in such false-marketing cases. Now the closest precedent is the 2004 Neurontin (gabapentin) settlement, in which Warner-Lambert (now part of Pfizer) paid $430 million to resolve similar charges.
"They're going for big bucks because the conduct keeps occurring," Horvath said about federal prosecutors. "The majority [of the fine] is deterrent. There's a sense that they will have reached the right number when the cases stop happening."

There are no goodbyes....

There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.

-Ghandi

What do you "do"?

At the moment, I do not have a job. I am not looking for a job. I have worked in the past but I can't remember what I did.

I go to business dinners with Nathan and people ask me what do I "do". My mind goes blank...I mumble that I walk on the beach and collect seashells. We joined a synagogue and I was asked what my interests were. I said that I walk on the beach. Once, I told someone that I was "in grief". They asked what I did before. I don't remember. On my customs form entering England, Nathan wrote Beach Environmentalist. He says collecting seashells is a good thing for me to do because it makes me happy.

Why does that question leave me confused?

Drugs. My life is consumed by the fact that my son died from drugs. It doesn't matter what he died from, but it was drugs, so I am furious at drugs. and dealers. and the media making it look "cool". and myself for not understanding drugs. and its' effects.

So for 20 months and 2 weeks now, my life has been irrevocably changed from drugs.

But it has been longer than that when drugs actually began to affect my life. Austin started drinking at age 13. I didn't know it at the time, but it had to have affected my life because it affected him. It was a slow (at least it was for me, because I wasn't aware of it) descent from there. Alcohol.....pot.....I don't even know how it got to Oxycontin.

The last few years I pleaded, begged, bribed, yelled, lectured...everything I could think of to get him to "grow up", "straighten up", "get clean" ...all that nonsense. I had no concept of what addiction really meant. So during that time, drugs consumed my life. That is probably why I don't remember what "I did".

Austin would be 26 years 3 months old. Half of that time, since he was 13 yrs old, I was battling drugs and alcohol. His drugs and alcohol.

"What do I do?" I am recovering from a 13 yr. battle with drugs and alcohol.

Lesli.....Ryan and Austin's Mom

Austin Nicholas Barthen2/26/1981 - 9/16/2005

http://grief-journal.blogspot.com

http://austin-barthen.memory-of.com/

Is this what Austin would want?

I want the memory of Austin to always be fresh in the minds of everyone who loved him and considered him a friend. Austin was always making new friends and I don't want that to ever stop. With this blog, more and more people can get to know him.

Obviously, this is through the eyes of a Mother who dearly loved him.

I started this blog to help others understand how drugs can destroy lives. I don't know if Austin would want his life "put out there" for all to see, but I think that he would want me to do what ever it took to help me find some sort of peace. I remember him saying, "Aw, Mom, you are so nice."

Memories...

I have memory "snapshots" of Austin as a toddler......

slobbery kisses

sturdy legs as I put on his socks and Striderite white hightop EEE shoes.... always had wide feet : )

his arms held out wide, waiting to be picked up and hugged

blonde curls

happy, loving personality

and so many more..............................

I had a "good" day yesterday.

I had a "good" day yesterday. It was a beautiful, sunshiny day and I went forth into the world and interacted with people and I wasn't in my "grief fog" that I have been struggling in daily, "since". Austin was on my mind as always and when someone asked if I had children, I explained that I had two sons...Ryan, 29 yrs old and Austin, who died 18 mos. ago at age 24 yr. old.

Later, I went to my "special" place in the cemetery next door (I buried a piece of Austin's shirt under a huge, beautiful oak tree) and "talked" to him and left him seashells that I had dyed pastel colors. (Austin was buried in Ohio, but I am in NC) Anyway...I don't think I am the only person to do this, on the other side of "Austin's" tree someone had laid a bouquet of cut flowers!

But...I was aware that I felt peaceful and even happy. I realize now, there is a "place" where we can be...where we can enjoy the present moment and still miss them, remember them, talk about them. It's a place that just happens, I don't think we can consciously "work" toward that goal. It just happens. I remember telling Austin...."Life isn't always "happy", the key is to recognize blissful moments. And enjoy." I suppose I am taking the advice that I gave Austin. Or maybe he is giving it back to me?...

There isn't a "cure" for our grief. All the advice..."go on with your life, move on, keep busy, focus on other things......blah, blah, blah" is meaningless. I lost a son. That is who I am for the rest of my life. But I can re-join the world on my own terms. And I still have two sons. One living in Ohio and one that is always near me.

I love them both.

Smile When You Think of Me...

I had a dream last night. The kind of dream where it is so real and you wake up right afterwards and relive it again and again over in your mind.

I was at a table, writing in a notebook, making lists in boxes. A list of things that Austin can't do or missed out on.

The top of the page read, A List of Austin.

I wrote…

I can’t tell him I love him.

________________________________


He never got to marry.

________________________________


He didn’t get to have children.

________________________________


He doesn’t know I love him.

________________________________





As I am writing this, Ryan and Austin are both in the room. Austin walks over and reads what I am writing.

Austin said, “Mom, Do I make you smile?”

“Yes, Austin.”

Austin said, “Then smile when you think of me and I will know you are thinking of me and you love me.”