Avenged Sevenfold Drummer James 'The Rev' Sullivan Found Dead at 28

Afterlife Lyrics
Artist(Band): Avenged Sevenfold

Like walking into a dream, so unlike what you've seen
so unsure but it seems, ’cause we’ve been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

I see a distant light, but girl this can't be right
Such a surreal place to see so how did this come to be
Arrived too early

And when I think of all the places I just don't belong
I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far

I don't belong here, we gotta move on dear escape from thisafterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here

A place of hope and no pain, perfect skies with no rain
Can leave this place but refrain, ’cause we've been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

This peace on earth's not right (with my back against the wall)
No pain or sign of time (I’m much too young to fall)
So out of place don't wanna stay, I feel wrong and that's my sign
I've made up my mind

Gave me your hand but realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave and carry on my own life

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from thisafterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

Loved ones back home all crying ’cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God that there's somebody listening
Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
(I am unbroken; I’m choking on this ecstasy)
Oh Lord I'll try so hard but you gotta let go of me
(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live)

(Fast Guitar Solo)
(Screaming)
(Laughing)

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from thisafterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

Mommy's Baby

I have a little, sweet, precious Cockapoo puppy. Her name is Sushi. I hold her close to my heart and whisper in her ear that I love her. I startled myself when I heard myself whisper in a sing-song, "Aus-tin Nich-O-las....Mom-my's ba-by." I was transported back to when Austin was a baby and I sing that to him over and over again. What a precious gift this sweet puppy has given me.

Shine Your Light

Shine Your Light

Robbie Robertson


The cry of the city like a siren's song
Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long
Saw a shooting star like a diamond in the sky
Must be someone's soul passing by

These are the streets
Where we used to run where your Papa's from
These are the days
Where you become what you become
These are the streets
Where the story's told
The truth unfolds
Darkness settles in

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength
To carry on, carry on

Don't wanna be a hero
Just an everyday man
Trying to do the job the very best he can
But now it's like living on borrowed time
Out on the rim, over the line
Always tempting fate like a game of chance
Never wanna stick around to the very last dance
Sometimes i stumble and take a hard fall
Loose(?) hold your grip off the wall

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
Carry on

I thought i saw him walking by the side of the road
Maybe trying to find his way home

He's here but not here
He's gone but not gone
Just hope he knows if I get lost

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
To carry on

I recommend this book, "A Guide to Children and Grief"

I was given the opportunity to read a book on how to help a child with his or her loss. The name of it is"A Guide to Children and Grief" and it is thoughtfully written by Miri Rossitto. She is the owner of the web site, Valley of Life. http://www.valleyoflife.com

I think it is an interesting book that certainly has value. It would be very beneficial for a child's caregiver or teacher. I know from experience (unfortunately) that many adults respond inappropriately to those in grief. I can't imagine what it would be like for a child to cope with insensitive adults.

Many points in this book should be heeded, not only in dealing with children, but with adults, as well. For example, in the chapter on things you shouldn't say to a grieving child....

Don't say, "I know just how you feel.
"This implies that the child doesn't need to tell you anything, since you already know. It also suggests that all people experience grief in the same way, which is not true. This sentence can be a conversation breaker.
Instead: Use an open-ended question to express your interest, such as, "Tell me more about how you feel," or "What's that been like?"

I like that the author, Miri Rossitto has written this book in an easy-to-read format. I would definitely recommend this to any one that has children in their life, whether it is in a professional or family situation.

Mostly...I am scared of losing you, too.

In the winter of 1980/81, I was big and pregnant with a baby boy, moving through the days slowly and deliberately. Savoring every moment of uninterrupted time with my first-born son, Ryan, the joy of my life. Ryan was born in the late Indian summer of 1977. That is when I realized what every mother before me knew. Nothing compares to the sheer adoration and love that you have for your baby. He gave meaning and purpose to my life. I melted when he smiled and put his hands out to be picked up.

I spent the last month before Austin was born feeling guilty about Ryan. My heart was so full of love for Ryan. Completely filled up and overflowing. Soon it would only be half full for Ryan. I would divide my heart in two, one half for Ryan and one half for Austin. It didn’t seem fair to Ryan. How could I do that to this wonderful four year old that loves me so unconditionally?

I had no idea what was in store for me.

Austin was laid in my arms and I looked down into his beautiful face. The most incredible thing happened. My heart doubled in size. I simultaneously loved, worshipped, and adored my two sons without either being loved a little less. I couldn’t wait to be home with both of my boys. I talked the doctor into releasing me less than 24 hrs after giving birth. I was excited to begin loving and caring for my two sons. Ryan and Austin.

Ryan asked me if I wished it had been him that had died, not Austin. He said he thought Austin was my favorite.


I have heard that some parents have favorites. Sometimes it is because one child may resemble the parent in personality or appearance. Other times the parent may favor the more “needy” child. Some people say that they love their children the same, but different. I know my sons have different personalities, but I don’t love them different.

I couldn’t possibly change the way I feel about my love for my sons. It has not and will never change since the day they were born. The love has gotten wider and deeper and stronger and unyielding. It is unconditional. I still love Austin now as I did before he died. I always will love him. I will always love Ryan. Even after I die.

My answer to Ryan…no, I do not wish it had been you, not your brother. I would be in the same pain, the same grief; it would not have been easier. I am so selfishly grateful to have you. I do my best not to overwhelm you with my neediness. I want to hug you and not let go. I want you to live near me. I want to talk to you on the phone 5 times a day.

Mostly…I am so scared of losing you, too. So scared I can hardly breathe.

Purdue Pharma, OxyContin held responsible

TUESDAY, JULY 10, 2007
Purdue Feels the Pain of OxyContin Felony, Fine
Purdue Feels the Pain of OxyContin Felony, Fine
May 16, 2007
By: Beth Herskovits
PharmExec Direct
Executives at Purdue Pharma are opening their own wallets and paying out large wads of cash to settle charges that they "misbranded" painkiller OxyContin--as part of a hefty plea agreement that may signal the courts' mounting frustration with sketchy marketing practices by Big Pharma.
Purdue will pay upwards of $600 million--one of the largest fines ever slapped on a drug maker--to resolve felony charges that they encouraged sales reps to fraudulently market OxyContin (oxycodone) as less addictive than other pain medications.
In a striking twist, the fine is levied against both the company and three high-level execs: Michael Friedman, president and COO; Howard Udell, executive vice-president and chief legal officer; and Paul Goldenheim, former executive vice-president of worldwide medical affairs. All three had to plead guilty to misdemeanor charges and together cover a $34.5 million fine.
While naming individual officials in such suits is not unheard of, it is unusual for a firm's chief legal officer to be among them, according to Carole Handler, vice-chair of the intellectual property litigation practice at law firm Foley & Lardner. "We're in a standard of much stricter scrutiny on corporate management. In order to bring about compliance...the philosophy is you need to hurt people in their pocketbooks," Handler said, adding, "This decision is designed to prevent others from going down the same road."
Officials in Virginia came down hard and fast on the company when they announced the settlement to the public. "Even in the face of warnings from healthcare professionals, the media, and members of its own sales force...Purdue, under the leadership of its top executives, continued to push a fraudulent marketing campaign," said US Attorney John Brownlee in a statement. "In the process, scores died as a result of OxyContin abuse, and an even greater number became addicted."
The case related to Purdue's marketing push between January 1996 and June 2001. It alleged that the company's sales reps used tools such as exaggerated graphs and incomplete study data to "prove" that time-released OxyContin was less addictive and prone to abuse--and had fewer withdrawal side effects--than fast-acting painkillers like morphine.
With an aggressive push to general practitioners, OxyContin achieved sales of $1.8 billion in 2004 before it lost patent protection the following year. By then it had also become infamous as one of America's most abused substances--snorted, crushed, and injected by rural teens and tabloid celebs alike.
On its Web site, Purdue seemed to "depict [the case] as a rogue action of a few individuals," said August Horvath, special counsel at law firm Heller Ehrman.
"Nearly six years and longer ago, some employees made, or told other employees to make, certain statements about OxyContin..that were inconsistent with the FDA-approved prescribing information for OxyContin," the statement reads. "During the past six years, we have implemented changes to our internal training, compliance, and monitoring systems that seek to assure that similar events do not occur again." The site also lists measures that Purdue has taken to retrain its sales force and alert physicians about potential for abuse.
Horvath recalled that 10 years ago a $10 million fine was considered a large settlement in such false-marketing cases. Now the closest precedent is the 2004 Neurontin (gabapentin) settlement, in which Warner-Lambert (now part of Pfizer) paid $430 million to resolve similar charges.
"They're going for big bucks because the conduct keeps occurring," Horvath said about federal prosecutors. "The majority [of the fine] is deterrent. There's a sense that they will have reached the right number when the cases stop happening."

I have two sons.

Socially, I have progressed in my life long journey of grief.

In the beginning, anyone that happened to say hello, ask if they could help me at a cosmetic counter, complete strangers, I would end up, literally sobbing on their shoulders telling them my son was gone!

As time went by I started introducing myself to people as if I were at an AA meeting. “Hi, I’m Lesli and my son, Austin, died.”

Then for a while I would say in the first few minutes of introduction, “I have two sons, my oldest, Ryan and my youngest, Austin, who died.

Now, I simply say, “I have two sons.”
I am asked their names. “Ryan and Austin.”
How old are they?, I am asked. “Ryan is 31, Austin would be 27, he died 3 yrs ago at age 24.” I wipe a single tear from my cheek.

I have learned to cry alone. I can walk the beach with my face wet with my tears mixed with the salty spray from the waves. The crashing of the waves and the shrieks of the gulls mask my pain filled sobs.

I have two sons.

Dreams keep me sane.

I am lucky. I have wonderful dreams of my children. During that short span of dreaming/sleeping, I live, I remember, I am a mother of two young sons.

We were on an adventure, Ryan, Austin and I. Walking through an unknown city. The streets were dirty and trash was blown up against the curb. Several buildings were boarded up. There were homeless people scattered around and people selling things on the sidewalks. We were walking in alleys and stairwells. It sounds like it was maybe frightening, but it wasn't. We were exploring. Ryan and Austin were talking and interacting with each other exactly the way they always did. At on point Ryan was carrying a mesh bag with knee and elbow pads for rollerblading/skateboarding. He had gathered other things in the bag also and it was getting heavy. Ryan dropped the bag on the floor in a stairwell and said that when we came back this way he would pick it up. I turned back and Austin looked me in the face and said earnestly, "I will take out some of the things and keep what we really need and I will carry it. We may not be back through her again." So very typical of Austin.

Why this and other dreams are so important to me is... my sons, both of them, their personalities, expressions, voices and even the waves and curls of their hair is exactly the way it was when they were 6 and 10. Ryan always a few steps ahead then running back, Austin trying to keep up with his older brother then shuffling stoically when he got tired.

When they were young, I would teach them not to be afraid or judgmental of people and places that were unfamiliar and different. One time I took them to a thrift shop in a bad part of town. While we were looking for antiques in the back I heard an angry man yell at the cashier for selling him a broken television set. When I saw him flashing a gun, I quietly steered the kids out the back door of the shop. I didn't tell them why, I just said, "Let's go to McDonalds!" They eagerly left the shop, out the back, through the alley without question. I didn't want them to be afraid.

I am lucky. I get to relive their precious childhood in my dreams.

Thank you.

http://tinyurl.com/cu7yr7

A Place to Call Home.

I am making my home in Savannah, GA.

Years ago (over 15 yrs!) I spent the evening walking along the riverfront of Savannah with my sons, Ryan and Austin, my niece, Ashley and my sister and mother.

Life has many twists and turns; one doesn’t know what will happen next. It seems like some people have their life planned perfectly and it actually works out.

I have never been a “planner”, but I always thought my sons would be a constant in my life. It has been three years, yet I still wait for Austin’s phone call. I can still hear him say, “Hey, Mom, what’s up?” “Think you could bring me lunch to the office? It’s a busy day and I can’t get away from my desk.”

So now I am in Savannah. A place with only good memories. A place to call home.

An email to dfc

Look up this website.....

http://dfcasa.com/prueba.html

I wrote them the following note....as if that will make a difference!................................

A string of porcelain Oxycontins to wear as a necklace!

My son died from Oxycontin.  Many, many have died from Oxycontin.  It isn't amusing.  What is next?  Pink cancer ribbons with skulls on them?

Where is your social conscious?

Lesli Messinger

http://grief-journal.blogspot.com

Three years ago today I lost you.

It is so difficult to get the through the weeks before the 16th....and then the weeks after.  Today I am going to attach little notes to orange and blue balloons and let them go up from our boat off  the barrier islands of Georgia.  The notes...are my apologies of guilt that I need to let go of.  

I am sorry I didn't have time to take you to the movies to see "Dukes of Hazard". 

I am sorry I was in California when you died in NJ.

I am sorry I sent you to that pre-school.

I am sorry Everts Middle School had mean kids.

I am sorry that I taught you to be too sweet and caring.  It made life harder for you.

I am sorry I didn't understand addiction and I didn't know how to help you.

I am sorry for trying "tough love".

I am sorry I told you to "grow up" and live on your own.

I am sorry I didn't hug you and kiss you more.

I am sorry I didn't tell you I loved you more.

I am sorry I didn't tell you how proud I was of you more.

I am sorry we didn't go to Red Cross classes and get sent to New Orleans.  Thank you for wanting to go and protect me.

I am sorry that I wanted you to look for a roommate before moving back with me.

I am sorry I didn't know you died until the next day.

I am just so sorry.................

The balloons are navy blue and orange, with white ribbons.  That is what you asked.  I assume it is because that is colors of the Denver Broncos.  You liked that team and wore the jersey I gave you.

 Remember when you were little and you would say, "I love you all the way to Mexico!"  Mexico seemed like the absolute farthest place to you!  

Well, Austin, I love you all the way to Mexico!

high school reunion

My high school reunion is today.  I will not be there.  Five years ago, when I attended the reunion, I had two healthy sons.  I just can't go because I keep thinking, "When I was there last, Austin was alive."  I will miss seeing my good friends, I dearly love them, but I wouldn't be good company.  I would cry.  

I Visited My Sweet Austin’s Grave.

I visited Austin’s grave.  The morning was cold and rainy, I drove with the heater and windshield wipers on, fresh flowers for Austin laying on the car seat. As I pulled through the cemetery’s gates, the rain ceased, the sun came out...

As I wiped the dust off the polished black granite I noticed movement nearby.  I turned my head and waited.  Up came a little chipmunk!  He stared at me then down he went.  A few seconds later, he rose up again.  Down again.  Up again.  He kept doing it, as if he was playing a game.  Austin loved chipmunks.  A week or two before he died, I was sitting on his apartment step, talking to a little chipmunk.  The chipmunk was playing within a foot of me and it entranced Austin.  Austin was on my cell phone talking to a friend and telling the person about the chipmunk that was making friends with his Mom.

I visited my wonderful son, Ryan in Ohio last week

Ryan is struggling with work-related lower back pain.  The company he works for (family owned!) does not provide health insurance to him and unbelievably, they are denying workman's’ compensation.  Their reasoning?  It would make their business insurance go up.  All of Ryan’s money is going to pay for medical expenses.  I flew to Ohio to “mother” him.  He wasn’t able to do anything too active, the constant pain is limiting his activities and causing depression.  We spent the time sitting in his living room and watching movies.  

His apartment was spotlessly clean and tidy, his sweet little dog, freshly shampooed.  Ryan had rescued this dog from an abandoned van, out in the country by an ATV trail. Ryan inquired about the homeless dog at the closest house and was told that the owner had moved to an apartment in Columbus and wasn’t allowed pets.  So they left the dog in the woods with a bag of dog food in September.  Ryan found this pitiful little dog in November.  Ford, as Ryan calls him, was starving, frightened; his fur was dirty and matted covering a bony frame.  

Ford is now plump and healthy with bright, shiny eyes. He looks like a larger(12 lb.?), long haired Chihuahua He welcomes being petted now.  Ryan said that initially, when you started to pet his head, Ford would hunch down, as if anticipating a beating.  Ford has never had an accident in the house, does not get up on  furniture and has never chewed on furniture, shoes or caused any mess.  He goes outside in an unfenced yard and does not wander off.  Ryan can walk around town with Ford, unleashed, and he stays alert at his feet. 

I wanted to give Ryan some money, but I first had to ask him if he was taking any drugs.  After all I had been through with Austin, I didn't want to give money to Ryan if he was going to use it for drug money.  He wasn't offended.  He said, "Mom, I couldn't do that to you.  I am not taking drugs."  I believe him.  I gave him the money.  

I can talk to Ryan about Austin.  Ryan misses and mourns Austin as much as I do.  I know that it is a brothers love, not a mothers love, but it is immense, never the less.  Ryan keeps a framed 8X10 photo of Austin in his bedroom.  The ashtrays in Ryan's apt. are pottery that Austin made in high school, his name carved on the bottom.  Austin didn’t leave Ryan and Ryan keeps him close by.  They are two brothers that have found a way to always support each other, in ways that is beyond comprehension to most.

Politics

Unfortunately, I was not picked as a NJ delegate.  Close, but no cigar.  But if someone drops out, I am an alternate..... 

Last night we went to the HUGE rally for Hillary at the Palestra in Penn University (in Philadelphia).  VIP seats! 

Nathan always wanted to see Bill speak, so I got TONS of points for getting us in there, up close and personal!  We saw Bill, Hillary, Chelsea, Myor Nutter and Gov. Rendell.  It was fabulous!  I can't help it, I love politics!  Hopefully, today the people of PA will vote for Hillary.  Otherwise, if she drops out, I will have to back McCain.....  I have to go with the background and experience!

 

As a (short) note to my dear friends in grief... I intend to put out the message to Hillary about our specific needs on  healthcare. Briefly, most of our young adult sons and daughters were without health insurance, were not able to afford rehabs with good track records, and they were self medicating themselves with prescription drugs from the streets.   Sadly, the fact that our kids have died and more are dying each day from drugs has not been addressed. I was hoping for the opportunity in Denver to properly address these extremely important issues. I realize those that have not lost a child won't recognize the need, but trust me, there are literally thousands of grieving parents that didn't think it would happen to their child and hundreds of thousands more are at risk at this very moment.  (I will get off the soapbox now)

 

Peace and politics,

Lesli

http://grief-journal.blogspot.com/

I love Savannah!  The city is so very European, a mixture of the south of France with a "softer" version of New Orleans.  I absolutely love it.  The streets, the squares, the architecture is amazing.  It feels good.  

Austin's Birthday

September 26 is Austin's birthday.

27 years ago I was blessed with a 8 lb.14 oz. beautiful, perfect baby boy.

On his birthday, I drove to Long Beach Island, NJ and left Austin a birthday card on the rocky beach.  I didn't stay long, it was windy and cold and as desolate as I felt.

  

Along the sand dunes, on the fence, there were balloons attached.... As if a party was waiting for Austin on this isolated beach.

Austin's birthday present is ten trees planted in Gallantin National Forest, near Yellowstone National Park. 

 

Happy Birthday, Austin.  I love you.

New Jersey

I have returned to New Jersey, an overpopulated state of negative energy and bad memories.   

Why do I dislike NJ… beside the obvious reasons?

I have lived here for 9 years, yet I don’t consider this home.  I have no sense of belonging to a community feeling here.

It is the only place where people have been less than nice to me.

It is so crowded that you don’t really know when you left one town and entered another.

People snarl, “Have a good one.”  (What does a “good one” mean?

You can’t make left turns, where you really need to make a left turn!

I like religious diversity, but when did Santa Claus become a religion and why are agnostics practicing it?

The “ghetto” way of putting the accent on the last syllable of words ending in on, en or an is really getting on my nerves.  Trent-IN, Camd-IN, Man-hat-IN

I miss clear, starry nights.

The crime, homicides and availability/use of drugs and alcohol are unbelievably high.

People think that they are “safe” because the homicides are “mostly in Camden and parts of Philadelphia”.  Less than 20 miles away!  Wake up!  We are living on the outskirts of the worst areas in the US, for God’s sake!

People tend to have opinionated, closed-minded attitudes.

Women have loud, abrasive voices.

Okay……the above listed are somewhat petty annoyances, but I gotta get out of NJ.  For real.

I truly dislike NJ.  My son died here.  People were mean to him.  People that really should have been nice and supportive like FAMILY but they were greedy and selfish. Typical New Jersey.

I can't live here much longer......

 

 

A Mother's Wrath

The emotional make-up of a mother is such a paradox.

I am a nurturing, caring person that feels empathy and compassion toward all of the Mothers’ children of the world. I have long forgiven Austin’s girlfriend and family for their contribution towards my son’s death. I want Brielle to be drug-free and live a good and productive life. I want this because I know that is what Austin wants.

I have always avoided conflict, emotional or physical. I do not like violence of any kind. I don’t like to hear someone shout “Moron!” to a car in a traffic situation. I can think of a dozen reasons that a driver may accidentally cut me off, after all, life doesn’t revolve around me and my problems.

I am a Mother. One of generations of mothers that has descended from centuries of Mothers protecting their precious children. As a Mother, a female…we are of a softer, sweeter nature. We want to protect and take care of others.

Now the paradox, the contradiction…..

Someone did something really stupid to my oldest son. I have never felt such enormous, all-encompassing wrath, rage and fury focused at an individual.

Internet fraud, destroying of personal property, extortion…all from a “friend”.

This individual and his extended family, to my knowledge, have not contributed in any positive way to society. He spends his day’s unemployed, playing video games, four-wheeling, sleeping at friends/relatives. Basically, he is a drain on society, not with standing the criminal acts.

This criminal shall feel the intense vehemence of rage as he has never known. .

My son will be fine. He is a good, decent person with a promising future. He has good work ethics, is compassionate and loving, he is truly an amazing young man.