Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Happy Birthday in a Bottle

Austin's birthday was Monday, February 26.

We were in the Virgin Islands to attend a wedding.

On the ferry, leaving St John (the wedding was in Caneel Bay), and floating back to our hotel in St Thomas... I had a birthday card wrote out for Austin, shoved in a wine bottle and corked tightly. We were sitting on the top of the ferry; I stood up, threw the bottle over into the beautiful Caribbean waters and shouted into the star-filled sky "Happy Birthday, Austin!"

Then I sat down, with my head on Nathan’s lap and cried.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Why do I think Austin did drugs?

Someone asked me why I thought Austin did drugs. Everyone thinks that there must be underlying, psychological problems...this is what is answered..

You asked me about what drew Austin to drugs... I think he started drinking around 13 or so. I didn't know at the time, but he later told me. He wasn't a follower, he was in student council, He liked to "be liked". He hated conflict and was very sociable. He was a big kid and was talked into joining the Logan Elm HS wrestling team by the coach. He quit soon after. I remember him looking at me so seriously and saying, "Mom, I am not mad at anybody, why would I want to hurt them?"

I know that Austin, like anyone, had sorrow, guilt, etc. but, honestly, I think that it started as just being social and escalated out of his control.

Sometimes. it. just. is.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Handmade Valentine

I found a handmade valentine that Austin had made in grade school...
construction paper and paper doily...with a poem he wrote me......

Sun sets in Autum,
Sun rises in May.
I'll listen to your problems,
I'll also care.
From my hearts bottom,
Happy Valentines Day.

I can see Austin...

I can see Austin in a crowd...standing, sort of rocking a little on his feet, leaning a little forward, one hand in his pocket, the other adjusting his NY Yankees baseball cap, a slow smile forming across his face, his head bent down just a little so he can hear because he is 6'3' and is used to leaning in to listen, his smile widens, he looks up, his eyes dancing and he chuckles, that wonderful beginnings of laughter.