Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dreams keep me sane.

I am lucky. I have wonderful dreams of my children. During that short span of dreaming/sleeping, I live, I remember, I am a mother of two young sons.

We were on an adventure, Ryan, Austin and I. Walking through an unknown city. The streets were dirty and trash was blown up against the curb. Several buildings were boarded up. There were homeless people scattered around and people selling things on the sidewalks. We were walking in alleys and stairwells. It sounds like it was maybe frightening, but it wasn't. We were exploring. Ryan and Austin were talking and interacting with each other exactly the way they always did. At on point Ryan was carrying a mesh bag with knee and elbow pads for rollerblading/skateboarding. He had gathered other things in the bag also and it was getting heavy. Ryan dropped the bag on the floor in a stairwell and said that when we came back this way he would pick it up. I turned back and Austin looked me in the face and said earnestly, "I will take out some of the things and keep what we really need and I will carry it. We may not be back through her again." So very typical of Austin.

Why this and other dreams are so important to me is... my sons, both of them, their personalities, expressions, voices and even the waves and curls of their hair is exactly the way it was when they were 6 and 10. Ryan always a few steps ahead then running back, Austin trying to keep up with his older brother then shuffling stoically when he got tired.

When they were young, I would teach them not to be afraid or judgmental of people and places that were unfamiliar and different. One time I took them to a thrift shop in a bad part of town. While we were looking for antiques in the back I heard an angry man yell at the cashier for selling him a broken television set. When I saw him flashing a gun, I quietly steered the kids out the back door of the shop. I didn't tell them why, I just said, "Let's go to McDonalds!" They eagerly left the shop, out the back, through the alley without question. I didn't want them to be afraid.

I am lucky. I get to relive their precious childhood in my dreams.