Monday, January 03, 2011


Austin died in 2005.
2005 and 2006 went by in a grief-filled fog with moments of denial. I thought that it would end with a phone call from him saying he was coming back. He would say that he was tired of being gone.
2007 I searched for him in the seashells. I walked miles of beach believing that the secret to connecting to him was finding a shell and holding it in my hand.
2008 I was on a mission to escape NJ, the state that my son lost his life.
Solace would be found in palm trees and spanish moss and maybe, in 2009.
2010 showed me that things  never change.  My losses feel like stones piled on top of me. It hurts to breathe.
Now it is 2011. It is up to me to be busy, productive and somehow help others.
My purest love is for my sons.
Austin will always be part of my heart, always with me, my heart will always ache for him, I will always cry for him.
Ryan, my oldest, means everything to me. I am so grateful to be able to call Ryan and hear his voice. Sometimes, when I talk to him, tears stream down my face with joy. He doesn't know.