Monday, October 01, 2007

I know, I can't reason with the drugs.

I know, I can't reason with the drugs. I felt hopeless with Austin and I am afraid he felt hopeless, also. But, geez, those drugs are so powerful, they take over the mind, the body, the soul and they don't let go until all the ambition, hopes and dreams are gone, and the life is sucked out. I don't think I could cope with dealing with the lying and excuses and begging for money again. Even though I understand that "it's the addiction", it is still maddening and frustrating, beyond belief.

Boy, I wish drug addicts were rational....I would do anything to have Austin back, the son that he was without the drugs. But it would be wrong of me to want him to live his life in that hell of addiction that led to his death. And, honestly, it was hell for me, too. To see my baby boy being tortured by drugs, to wonder every night where he was, to worry that every time the phone rang that he may be in jail, hurt, or finally, the unthinkable...

I know, without a doubt, that Austin is set free now. He is happy and joyful. He shows me his presence when I need him most. Right or wrong, that is the reality I choose to believe, thank you very much.

What you disturbance ride had storm fades passionate complete spirit

What you disturbance ride had storm fades passionate complete spirit

I have never been able to type without "hunt and peck", I have taken numerous classes and have given up, that is just part of being dyslexic! So I thought I would close my eyes (and let Austin type through me) and using Microsoft word..just type. It was gibberish, then I did spell check, a little better, then synonyms..and this is what I got!

What you disturbance ride had storm fades passionate complete spirit. maybe it means nothing...but maybe it does.... Maybe...what I saw as Austin's disturbing ride ending into a storm, actually transcends to where his spirit is passionately complete.

What do you think?

I remember...

Even with knowing and believing (I really do believe!) that Austin is still with us and surrounds us with still is so painful to live without him. I miss being able to reach out and touch his cheek, smooth down his hair, lay a hand on his shoulder... I was supposed to have a lifetime of touches, not just 24 yrs! You know, I just remembered something about Austin when he was little......I would say he was "skin-hungry" because he was always wanting to hug me and be picked up and was always up close to me, with his arms around my neck, very loving. Maybe he was trying to get a lifetime of hugs in a few short years.........

I remember….

Austin sitting on the kitchen counter, with his Striderite shoes and socks on. A diaper and t-shirt. Blond curls. Baby teeth. Beautiful smile. I remember his sturdy, little legs. Sturdy. I can hear the sound of his shoes hitting the cupboard doors. Even as a baby, he wore EEE shoes.