Thursday, November 30, 2006

This is my "normal" now.

When no one is in the house and I am having an exceptionally bad day, I loudly say,
" Austin, look what you have done to me, your Mother! How can I live without you? You are my heart!!"

When I am struggling to move heavy furniture up the stairs, I say, "Austin, baby, I need your help!" The weight is lessened and I move things a 5' 5", 110 lbs. woman should not be able to lift. I can hear him say, like dozens of times before, " Here, Mom, let me help you. You shouldn't be doing that yourself."

And I write to him. But mostly I cry. All the time. Everywhere I go. I went to one Compassionate Friends meeting and I could not even say my name. I couldn't quit crying.
My therapist put me on Lexapro a month after Austin died and I lost all emotion, I couldn't cry at his grave, even. I went off of it in less than a week.
I want to feel the pain. I want to hurt. This is my "normal" now.

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