Monday, September 13, 2010

September 16, 2005

Sept. 16, 2005 my Austin died at age 24. It will be 5 years this Thursday. It hurts like it was 5 seconds ago. I can't accept the time passing, the gap of his absence lengthening...

Our country has divided itself with hate groups when we need to collectively come together in peace. Isn't the reason obvious? Austin had a kind and generous heart of great magnitude. Without Austin, the world is out of balance. I am out of balance.

It is all can do to remember to breathe... in and out, in and out. Seriously. I catch myself gasping like a goldfish out of water. Who knew that a simple thing like breathing could be complicated when your heart has been permanently broken.


Laura Ann said...

I'm holding you and Austin close in my thoughts this week. I know your heart aches. I know the memories - more easily held at bay now - come flooding back. I know you feel you deserve to get Austin back now, as a reward for surviving these 5 years without him. I know many think you should be "much better", and the only thing you're much better at is pretending you're much better. I know that if Austin were still here on earth, he would be making his way in life and making you proud. I know you hate that September 16 will never again be an ordinary, unremarkable day. May you feel his presence in your heart, his love holding you up.

Lesli...Austin and Ryan's Mom said...

Thank you, Laura Ann. You write so beautifully, with a full understanding of my personal "world".