Thursday, October 12, 2006

"I Am"

The Loss of a Son to Oxycontin

Four weeks after Austin died, I flew back to Columbus, Ohio and got a room with two double beds at the Westin, Great Southern Hotel. Ryan, Austin's big brother (although Austin is 4 yrs. younger, they always looked after each other) was driving in from Michigan and met me there.

We went to sleep with a nightstand w/clock radio and my glass of water between us.At 6:00am the radio started blaring. Ryan reached over and shut it off. At 6:30am it went off again. My glass of water seemingly was lifted up and drenched me in the face. Ryan shut the radio off again! Austin was really trying to get our attention!

When we woke up at 800am, Ryan was shaking. He said "Mom, I had a dream that was so real. I know that Austin really spoke to me. I was sitting in a booth and Austin walked in wearing plaid boxers and a t-shirt and his hair was messed up like he just woke up." (this is what we found out he was wearing when he died, later) "He sat down across from me and explained to me that he accidently took too many Oxycontins and there wasn't anything that could be done to save him." (at this point Ryan is crying) Ryan said, "No, Austin, something can be done, you can't leave us! You have to always stay with me!" Now, Ryan really broke down. He said that Austin looked at him and smiled the way he would always smile at him when he knew that Ryan wouldn't be able to understand. And then he said something...but the thing is...Ryan couldn't remember! Ryan was heart-broken because he couldn't remember the last thing Austin told him.

Later that day, I was driving back to NJ with a friend, he called my cell phone. Ryan was yelling, "I remember! It just came back to me so clearly! When I said You have to always stay with me!.....

Austin said "I am"."

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